Emotional Abuse is Often Undermined

Emotional abuse is based on power and control. When the abuser does not lay a hand on their victim to cause physical harm, the aspects of emotional abuse are often disregarded. Without recognition of the seriousness of this type of harm against another, it leaves the victim to stand alone.

*Tom is a 40 year old man whose marriage is ending after 15 years. He and his wife *Lisa, 37, have two children, 10 and 13 years old. Tom is an emotionally abusive person. Although he has never hurt his family physically, his abusive actions have left scars on them all. The dangers of physical abuse may lie in wrestling matches, played 'all in fun' with the children, when Tom may be able to "accidentally" hurt the children.

There are many forms of emotional abuse. Rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting, and denying emotional responsiveness are all methods of an abusers madness. Tom's tactics include rejecting, degrading, stalking, isolating, and denying emotional responsiveness.

He rejected Lisa by devaluing her thoughts and feelings. Tom has and still does refuse to acknowledge Lisa's worth. Although Lisa dedicated all the time needed to care for her family and children, Tom does not respect her as a valuable part of their children's lives. Instead, because he feels rejected now that they are divorcing, he has spread the word to all that will listen that she is not and never was a good mother. Lisa and her children, along with those who know her well, know better than that.

Tom's degrading words have hurt Lisa and the children. Tom was insulting, telling Lisa she didn't look nice. Tom calls his children and other people names. He uses the excuse that this is done 'all in fun' but those on the receiving end of being called names don't feel like they're having much fun. Tom imitates and laughs at others. When with his children, he belittles mentally challenged people and those with other disabilities.

Before Lisa left home, Tom followed her and checked up on her regularly. Since Lisa left home, he has stalked her on numerous occasions. Besides having been obsessed with knowing where she is and whom she is with, he has taken pictures of her without her consent while she is out.

Tom was sure to keep the family finances a secret from his family. He was able to control Lisa by keeping her with very little money of her own. He made sure that the little she made while working part-time was eaten up by the needs of the children for school. Tom mentioned perhaps giving Lisa some sort of allowance but never followed through with that. She clothed herself and the children in free or cheap secondhand clothing for about nine years before insisting that Tom start helping with the buying of the kid's clothes. Lisa had a hard time asking Tom for money because she always felt like a beggar. He pouted and complained when buying clothing for the kids. Tom always led her to believe that they were strapped for money and that he lived paycheck to paycheck. Although Lisa knew and still knows these claims are lies, all she can do is try to hold Tom to his financial responsibilities now that she is on her own. Tom buys things for the children now but tries to make them feel guilty by telling them he has no money. He complains to the children that Lisa should be buying more for them now.

The common traits of children who are brought up with an emotionally abusive parent are present in Tom and Lisa's children. One of their children in particular has retarded social development. Although extremely intelligent, this child has an impaired ability to understand and express emotions. Teaching her child to express emotions and do it freely has become one of Lisa's important lessons for her child. The children are very dependent and show damaged self-worth. Both are known to degrade themselves.

Verbal abuse goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. The abuser does not attempt to understand the victim's feelings. Active listening is a problem for the abuser. Tom's son usually had a piano lesson in the afternoon. Since Tom had other plans this day, he asked his son if he should make a morning appointment instead. His son told Tom that he did not want to go that early in the morning. Tom did not listen to his son and made the lesson for in the morning anyway without his son's knowledge. The morning of the lesson, he woke his son for the lesson. His son got angry because he had told his father that he didn't want this. Tom yelled, screamed, and got aggressive, yanking the blankets off of his son, giving him a lecture about responsibility. Even if Tom had been listening, no one would know it. Perhaps he just likes yelling and conflict.

With Tom, it's always about what HE needs. He often acts childish in order to remain the center of attention. He never takes responsibility for hurting others and blames everyone else for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He perceives himself as the victim.

The abuser might deny that certain things happened or that certain things were said. Tom is proficient at this. He denies saying and doing things regularly. He says Lisa is lying and denies her very sanity.

As a last ditch effort, Tom served Lisa with divorce papers. This was emotional blackmail. Tom did not want a divorce but thought this action would scare her into submission. Abusers will use threats to end the relationship as a fear tactic to control the victim.

Emotional abuse causes harm and suffering in the abuser's victims. It interferes with a child's growth. It ruins families. The old adage 'Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me' are completely untrue. Emotional abuse creates scars that can be longer lasting than physical ones.

During a divorce, rather than being protective, the family court process can be unpredictable. Sadly, the courts are often more persuaded by the intense emotion and blaming behavior of the abuser. The abuser is very persuasive and the court, although supposedly educated, can be extremely naive and fall for the blame-game of the abuser.

Lisa is finding this out firsthand. She will not give up the fight for her well-being and the well-being of her children. Her abuser did not reduce her to a blithering idiot. She broke free and she stands strong against him and a gullible court of law.

*names have been changed