Emotional Abuse: What it Is and the Toll it Takes in a Relationship

One of the most common factors for those who abuse others is "calling it by different names"-- rationalizing and justifying his behavior in a manner designed to cause you to doubt what you think and how you feel about its wrongness. While "abuse" is a word which is seriously overused and misused these days, it often takes someone "validating your perceptions" for one to fully realize its impact. And there is a form of emotional abuse which, although lesser-known, has a devastating impact-- not only in the manner by which it causes one to doubt oneself, and thereby remain trapped, but also the extreme drain on one's energy and ability to focus properly.

There are two main points in this type of abuse. The first is to put a person on the defensive; and the second is to blame the victim when she attempts to get out of the trap.

How does an abuser put a person on the defensive? Consider this first scenario: you state that you do not want to do something-- you don't want to have sex, you don't want to make a commitment, you don't want to get involved with him at all. In normal interactions, your statement would be considered valid, and respected. But when dealing with an abuser, nothing you say is respected or valid, and it is not a normal interaction because his purpose is shifting the balance by putting you on the defensive. To your statement "I do not want to," his response may be "no, you're just not ready." What you think and how you feel are dismissed, your status of being able to make a decision is undermined-- and you naturally feel that you must defend yourself, the shift focusing off what you do or don't want, and focusing onto his assertion that "he knows better." It is very easy to fall into such a trap, as an abuser will habitually undermine what you say and shift the focus onto what he says instead.

Another tactic in this type of emotional abuse is the "lose-lose" situation, where whatever you say or do is "wrong." An example: he asks "How many important relationships have you had?" A clear sign that you are in this trap is you are aware that whatever response you may give will be the "wrong" one-- when one who persists in emotional abuse asks you a question, regardless or whether it is simple or complex, no matter how truthful your answer is it will not be "correct," because "the truth" and "his perceptions" are not connected. In this instance, for example, being an adult with your own history, you will have your point of view as to what you consider "important," and how serious prior involvements were which you deemed relationships; but without a doubt if you answer the question based on the facts of your own history, an abuser will say you are lying.

Those who emotionally abuse others are generally very proficient with entrapment; and this often includes tricking his "victims" into disclosing information, usually of a personal nature, which they do not wish to disclose, and is usually none of his business. While an abuser may blatantly state that he "has the right" to know everything he wants to know, putting the person on the defensive is a more insidious means of tricking the person. The tactic of shifting the focus frequently comes into play-- that you are accused of hiding something or other wrongdoing if you refuse to give him the information. The information ends up being disclosed as you are attempting to defend yourself against the accusation.

The consequences of this form of emotional abuse-- you will feel as if you are "spinning in a fog;" being on the defensive will drain your energy, and it will destroy your ability to focus; you will lose sight of yourself, as whatever you say or do is undermined; and, if you don't have someone to "validate your perceptions" regarding such a situation, you will be told there is something very wrong with you for not wanting any part of it. If you see yourself in these examples, be strong enough to walk away.