Emotional Healing: Defensive Behavior Vs. Apology

"I'm sorry" may one of the most inappropriately used phrases in the English language. Having said that, there are times when a heartfelt well-timed confession and apology vs. defensiveness can bring emotional healing to the injured and the offender. Emotional healing is also possible even if the person apologizing has done nothing wrong. The key to healing is the attitude of the person confessing and apologizing.

Take the example of Groupon's recent Super Bowl commercial faux pas. Groupon's "Save the Money-Tibet" and others like it seemed to poke fun at suffering Tibetans and exploit social justice issues to promote their product. These commercials sparked internet outrage. They were deemed by many viewers to be tacky and insensitive.

Groupon had a pivotal decision to make. Ad execs could have confessed that they made an error in judgment and apologized. Instead, Groupon chose to defend the ads, saying that they contribute to Greenpeace and Save the Whales (two other groups Groupon ads poked fun at). In a needlessly elaborate rebuttal, Groupon described how it was really poking fun at itself and society for prizing good deals over social causes. Groupon eschewed other Super Bowl ads that "glorify anti-social behavior" and show "crass objectification of women". In short, Groupon said got touchy and defensive when confession of culpable behavior (albeit none intended) and apology was in order.

Groupon's behavior typifies what so often happens with defensiveness. It's a textbook example of reactive vs. proactive behavior. By entrenching behind their questionable commercials, they lost many faithful customers. Groupon provides an excellent example of how not to solve problems.

We teach children the skills of confession, apology and reconciliation. For a child, the simple act of apologizing and hearing "I'm sorry" when he has been wronged is crucial. I once witnessed a two children playing. One injured the other. The transgressor got defensive and twisted the situation to make it look like the injured child was at fault. The injured child was clearly ready to forgive, but all he received was excuses. He said, "you never told me you were sorry".

Even in situations where no one is at fault or in cases of accident or misunderstanding, the act of reaching out with an apology is therapeutic. Saying, "I'm sorry that my behavior seemed hurtful to you. It wasn't meant to, but I can see that it has" acknowledges the other person's feelings without blame or shame. If the person chooses to forgive, both parties experience emotional healing. If she chooses not to, the person who apologized still experiences healing. After the hurt wears off, she may be able to extend forgiveness. Either way, a healthy choice pays off.

Apologies need not be lengthy. Sometimes "least said, soonest mended" is a good policy. There are situations too when "I'm sorry" is callous or not appropriate. Here's an article that explains when "I'm sorry" is appropriate and when it is not. Regardless, defensiveness generally only creates needless hurt.