Emotional Phases of Deployment -- Its Only Natural

I am a wife of a Florida National Guardsman. My husband has been in the military a combined total of 22 years. He started out in active duty and then through Clinton's reduction of the armed forces in 1993, my husband was one to be cut. He then went into the National Guard. I am so proud of him and until 9/11, he helped deal with problems and disasters in our State and community.

Whether it's your partner's first deployment or tenth deployment, they do not get any easier. My husband is currently on his second deployment since we've been together, and I can honestly say that there are definite emotional phases you experience throughout the entire process. How long you stay in each phase is different for each person. I must say that keeping the lines of communication open on both sides is very important in the relationship.

The first phase is usually the anticipation of losing your spouse for an undetermined period of time. We were only notified 2 days before my husband's first 14-month deployment. We were notified a year in advance for my husband's second deployment, this one lasting for 18 months. Anxiety and stress sets in on both sides. You don't know what is going to happen and you're worried how you will cope without your partner, let alone the worry and fear that you have about their safety. You want to spend every waking minute with them, trying to get in as much time as possible. What usually ends up happening is you start fighting a lot over anything and everything, even though in your mind you know that you should be enjoying the time together. You have to realize it is the stress that is causing the fighting and you can push through it.

The next phase you go through is a withdrawal period. It can actually start a few weeks before your partner is deployed and lasts for a while after they leave. You are so emotionally drained from the stress and fighting that you don't have an interest in anything anymore. You may perhaps distance your partner without realizing you're doing so. This could be just your mind getting ready for the days ahead when they won't be around. When they do leave, you feel so isolated and alone and you start withdrawing from human contact and the world you once knew.

Then the next stage slowly hits after they are gone. At first, you have a sense of freedom. You stay up late watching movies and eating in bed or just doing things you would not normally do if your partner were around. Feels like a bit of vacation for some because I think in any good relationship, time apart could be a good thing. However, at some point in time, you wake up and realize they are truly gone and you are responsible for running the entire household. You are the mommy and daddy to your kids; you are the one that has to clean the house and the yard. It can be quite the daunting realization and feel like such a large burden to bear. You start feeling a bit disorganized and out of sorts and you fear you may not be able to live up to the task. Also, you start feeling guilty for having your freedoms, being able to go out to any restaurant you want to or go to the movies without sharing it with your partner and knowing they are in possible harm's way. That is when you start to feel truly alone.

After you have all those roller coaster emotions, a routine sets in. It has been months, since your partner has been gone and now you have stability and have created routines to where things aren't quite as stressful as they first were. The idea of the deployment has finally sunk in and you realize the time frame involved to be back together again. You do what you have to emotionally to push forward and the make the best of it.

Now that things have settled, and the deployment has passed, you are given the return date of your partner. Usually a month or a few weeks before their return, you start feeling anxious and the anticipation of the unknown. You scramble around wanting everything perfect for their arrival; you want the house to be in perfect order and sparkling clean. You want to look the best for your partner. There will be those fears of "will they love me like they used to" or even more important "have they changed". Hopefully throughout all this time, you have kept the lines of communication open and have talked and shared with your partner about what has been happening in your life at home. The same anxiety and stress that you felt in the beginning of the deployment slowly creeps back. Not knowing how this long separation will affect the family and our relationship with them.

That brings us to the next two phases, re-negotiation of the relationship and reintegration. As individuals, we change and grow all the time. You don't notice it too much when you and your partner are together, because you're growing together. During a deployment, you're still growing and changing, but doing so apart. People sometimes think that when their partner comes home, everything will go back as normal, unfortunately that is not the case. You are the one that has had complete responsibility and control in the household while your partner was deployed. That is sometimes hard to relinquish when your soldier comes back home and tries to reintegrate back into their lives. It doesn't have to be a hard process unless you fool yourself and think that you are both the exact same people as when they left.

You do not want to dump everything on them when they return, but they do want to feel like they are needed. You have been doing everything all this time and they will start to think "do they really need me here anymore". Once they return, start relinquishing small duties to them so they can slowly ease back into their life with you. Make them feel loved and special and make sure they know they are needed in the family. Keep those lines of communication open and don't be afraid to share your feelings. You are not burdening them with anything; they want to know what is happening in your heard and need to know. The same is to be said about your soldier. Be sure you have created an environment for them to share with you. Depending on what they did while away, they may need professional counseling. Let them know it's okay. Normalcy can be brought back into the relationship, but don't expect it to happen overnight.

Everyone is different and will have different emotions and experiences. But these are some of the basic emotional cycles people will go through. Some of your experiences may be more intense than others, depending on what your soldier has been through during their time overseas.

I have definitely experienced all of the above with my husband's deployment. We got through it, but it took a lot of love and stability in our marriage. I cannot stress enough how building a solid foundation for your relationship is the key as well as honesty and communication. I have seen deployments tear relationships apart, but I have seen them bring a couple closer together, as it did in my marriage. Do not think that you're going crazy or off the deep end when you feel certain ways during this time. It's a natural cycle and a necessary one.

Finally, what deployments bring into a relationship is realization that every moment counts. Just having your partner there in the same room with you, hearing them breathing, feeling their touch on your shoulder as they walk by, is so very precious. You never realize what you miss about them until they are gone. Cherish every moment and know that you can get through anything together.