Empty Nest Holiday Adjustments

Once upon a time, our family holidays were filled with joy and fulfillment. The radiant faces of my children glowed in anticipation from Thanksgiving through New Years Day. They didn't care about our financial status, or the weather, or the price of oil. They only cared about the magic of the season. Life goes on, and now I find myself struggling to hold the celebration together.

The past represents a place where I was in the center of the activity. The magic, as I recall, was the sense of expectation that developed, a mystique that was carefully woven by family and friends. The biggest part of that was the attention that was lavished upon the children by us, their parents. They needed us to create the magic. They counted on us to spin the tale of St Nicholas into something tangible and meaningful. It was fun, and it was a challenge to make decisions about what was important and what wasn't. We had to decide how to celebrate. Holiday magic was a much enjoyed release of our own creativity that may otherwise not find release. It was up to us, as parents, to create the magic of our seasonal celebrations. It took lots of time and energy, but it was also fun!

The present involves my kids as healthy, young, single adults. No longer do they gather under the Christmas tree to explore the gifts hidden there. No longer do they need me to create the magic of the holidays. There is notably less anticipation as the holidays approach. The activities that were once fun and important are no longer as important. They have their own expectations. They have their own agendas. While I still play an important role in their celebrations, I am not in the center of the action as I once was. This is normal and healthy, but it is a difficult transition, particularly because I am a single parent.

In making a few adjustments to the family traditions, I asked them a few weeks in advance what they wanted to do over the holidays with the "baby" sister home from the Army for a few days. I got no replies. Lights? Lights used to be a big thing. We'd pile in the family car and drive around to look at the local light displays. We'd sing and laugh and have a warm and fuzzy evening together. OK, I thought we could do that ... and we still may. We played cards and games the first day Soldiergirl was home, all four of us gathered around the dining table. That in itself was a miracle! I have baked pies and cookies that I thought would elicit some help or interest. I invited them to select a Christmas tree, and they chose not to buy one. We did conspire together to pull off a wonderful Christmas day meal. While it is an absolute joy to see the fine young adults they are becoming, I am struggling to relocate or redefine my place.

I've done a little soul-searching to determine exactly what I want to be the center of my celebrations. Is there something worth celebrating? Of course! Define it! No matter what your focus, family is still central. If actual family is not available, create a "family" of loved ones, even if it is just one other person. Here are a few of my determinations for positive holidays in the coming years.

Take positive action. Actively seek the company of others. Whether it's friends or family, holidays are a time to lavish love on others. This is a mental determination! I will find ways to demonstrate love to those nearest to me.

Serve others. There are innumerable charities that seek to meet the needs of underprivileged children, particularly during the holidays. One of the most meaningful Christmases we enjoyed in years past was going as a family to a senior residence to visit with seniors who were alone. Another Christmas, as a family, we volunteered at a local mission that served an incredible free meal to anyone who came. My kids still recall these events though they were young at the time.

Connect with others. In this day and age of plentiful single-parent families, there are many who are separated from their children and their loved ones. Find one. Find a few who believe similarly and CELEBRATE! Nothing defeats that feeling of alone-ness better than making new friends and serving others. Isn't that at the heart of our celebrations, anyway?

Keep looking forward! At some point, my kids will marry and begin families of their own, and the cycle will be complete. This is good and healthy. It is also a challenge to continually grow both as an individual and as parent. It is a challenge to be creative, but to also be attentive to the desires of my kids as they mature. It is a challenge to adjust the balance between the needs of my children and my own personal needs. There will be moments of loneliness, no doubt, but I am certain the holidays will continue to be a special family time for many years to come.