Empty Nest Syndrome: Helping Your Child Leave Home

One day, life tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Do you realize that your son goes to college in two more years?" I was surprised at how impacted I was. Sure, we know that one day our child(ren) will leave home and go off into the world. But reality was staring me in the face, requiring that I confront the inevitability now.

Empty Nest Syndrome is the term that describes the anxiety a parent feels when her child(ren) leave home. The baby bird leaves the nest. He might be going to college or getting married but it is nonetheless an ending.

Most of the articles I've read focus on the mother, describing her sadness and what she can do to fill the void. I've even read some materials that talk about how the exit affects the dad as well. Instead, I wish to focus on preparing the child as this involves the parent in letting go as well. Reason being, there is a trend of single adult children returning home.

"In the United States, almost 60 percent of twenty-two-to-twenty-four-year olds are living at home," says Armin Brott, author of Father For Life. Divorce or debt are some of the reasons given, but I wonder if an underlying factor is lack of preparation. Leaving home is not just geography, but the context of how the parent and child relate has to change mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially.

Mentally

Dr. Phil often says, "There is no right or wrong, there's only perception." Consequently, both the parent and the child's thinking about his role have to change. During adolescence, your child automatically asserts his independence. For most parents, this is a time of frazzled nerves and multiplied gray hairs. Intellectually, we embrace this as normal, but we struggle with our teenager's immature thinking.

Two ways that a parent can assist the mental migration is:

Transitioning your child from consumer to contributor. Instead of relying on the parent, the child must see himself as having something to give. Responsibilities such as cleaning his own room, maintaining his clothing, or working a summer job are ways he can contribute. He learns to assume some responsibility for his own care rather than expecting his parent to take care of everything. Hence, his cognitive beliefs are being changed.

Encouraging your child to think for himself. As parents, we are so use to telling our children what to do. To prepare for his leaving however, we must begin to ask him what he thinks he should do. Let me warn you, our kids' thinking is very different from ours. I admit that I had to literally press my lips tightly to keep my opinions out of it. Coaching your child to think through things and come up with his own solutions is critical to his exodus nonetheless.

Emotionally

Child professionals agree that healthy emotional bonds are necessary if a child is to have good self esteem. Here is where it gets sticky. Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, doesn't cease just because your child gets older. What the mother has to do is change her focus-taking time for herself, reconnecting with friends or exploring other interests. Else, though well-intentioned, her nurturing tendencies can suppress the internalization and association required for a child to leave home.

The warmth and feelings of wellbeing the child has received from his parents must become a part of his own emotional DNA. This process is called internalization. He needs to learn to be there for himself, i.e. soothe himself when he's hurt, calm himself when he's angry, and be a good friend to himself when he has to stand alone. If the child doesn't learn this before he leaves home, his transition into adulthood will be difficult.

Also vital to his success is association. Your child needs to connect with people outside of the home. As you prepare for the empty nest, use the teen years to help him to learn to take care of himself emotionally. Teach him to recognize qualities of a good friend. Know that his ability to be intimate with others will serve as support through the challenges of living away from home. When he has difficulty with a professor at school or is upset over a romantic breakup, he'll appreciate the strength of peer relationships and surrogate parental relationships.

Spiritually

Spirituality is the energy that permeates all things. For some, it's the recovery of one's soul as wounds are healed and offenses are forgiven. This is especially evident as man searches for the meaning of his life after death of a loved one or some other traumatic experience. To others it is the existence of a higher consciousness or power that governs one's life. During teenage years, your child seeks to define his spirituality apart from his parents. It's natural for him to challenge beliefs, values and doctrines.

I remember a young man whom I counseled. His inability to cope with difficulties at home gave rise to a psychological dependence on marijuana. As we talked about spirituality, he shared the beliefs of his parents. Their belief was that only those affiliated with their church were true worshippers. And much of that acceptance was performance-based. He differed. He said that he didn't believe faith was exclusive. Though he felt that being a good person was a requirement, he felt that segregating was wrong. He further clarified that it was arrogant to believe that one group had a monopoly on God.

As your child matures, you'll have to give him room to decide what he believes. Attempts at legislation are futile. In fact, it's been my experience that rigidity breeds rebellion.

Socially

Your child might spend endless hours talking on his cell phone or instant messaging his friends but might find interaction with authority figures a bit intimidating. Part of preparation for the empty nest is advancing your child's social development. Confidence in expressing himself to authority figures is a vital social skill.

A renowned professor addressed a bunch of parents about preparing their children for college. He told us that diversity would be an integral part of the workforce in the 21st century. Successful individuals will be those who are comfortable with other cultures and who have traveled to some destination requiring a passport. Knowing that I could not afford to send my child to a distant land right now, I opted to encourage him to read, participate in diverse groups or take cultural diversity classes.

This is where range is important. Will Smith talked about this in his interview with Oprah as part of the cast of the movie, Hitch. He said that one should look for a partner who knows how to navigate different social situations. I think it's important that your child take public speaking or be put in situations where he has to communicate with people of different ages, cultures and ethnicities.

It was a fight to get my son to understand that baggy pants and tee shirts are not appropriate attire for all occasions. Exposure to situations that required more variety helped a great deal. It was vital to his first job that he was uniform in his appearance. Added reinforcement was Career Day where he had to wear a shirt and tie to school. I've learned that every teenage boy should own at least one black suit. It'll come in quite handy. Knowing what to wear, how to express oneself and proper protocol can give your child access to opportunities for advancement.

I don't doubt that tears will be shed on both sides when my son leaves home. He's my only child. Nevertheless, the art of letting go is filling your nest so that when your child leaves, you'll have something to rest on.