Encouraging Bonding Between Older Children and a New Baby

You've either got a new bundle of joy or are expecting a new baby in your family. What do you do to help ensure that your older children body with him/her, and don't feel "left out" or "replaced" by baby? Depending on your child's age, it can be relatively simple to help them bond with baby, or it can be extremely difficult.

If you've already got two children or more, then chances are, you already have a pretty good idea on how to help your older children to bond with baby. But what it you're expecting your second child and have no idea how to help him/her to adjust to the new baby or to bond with the new baby?

First and foremost, it's important to reassure your child(ren) that you still love them, and that the new baby is not their "replacement." This is especially
important for children between the ages of 5 and 8, as they are old enough to understand that a new baby will take some attention and time away from them. In children younger than 5, it's a task itself just to get them to understand that there's even going to be a new baby.

Involve siblings in the pregnancy as soon as you are comfortable telling them about it. Showing your child photos of where a baby is developmentally at certain stages, letting them feel the baby kick, and even letting them help pick names is a good way to switch it from "Mommy and Daddy's baby" to "our" baby. This is a good way to help your child to feel a sense of excitement about the new baby.

Focusing on the "big brother" or "big sister" aspect can also help. Make sure you let your child know that as the older sibling, his/her baby brother or sister
will "look up" to him or her, and that the new baby will eventually become old enough to be a playmate. This gives your child something to look forward to, and shows the positive side of having a new baby in the home.

Let your child help when the new baby arrives. Don't be afraid to let your child hold the new baby, of course with supervision- and you can even involve him/her in changing and feeding. Or have him or her "entertain" the new baby while you stay nearby. Often, children become jealous of a new baby brother or sister when parents are afraid to let them become involved and the child is noticing that your attention is no longer focused solely on him/her.

Even very young children can bond with a new baby, however. Make sure you talk to him/her about "baby," show them when the new baby does something, keep a running dialogue and don't discourage him/her from showing attention to the baby. Of course, make sure you supervise closely- and be ready to intercept any "gifts" your child might give the new baby which could cause choking or other harm!

If your child shows signs of depression, anger or jealousy about the new baby- take time out to reassure him/her that he/she hasn't been replaced, and that you still have enough love to go around. It's very difficult to pay attention 100% when you're exhausted from having a new baby in the house, but it's vital to watch your older child/children for signs of having difficulty dealing with a new sibling.

Spend one-on-one time with all of your children. This is really important to reassure older children that they are still loved, haven't been replaced, and that they
don't have to "compete" with baby for your attention.

When you bring the new baby home, it's often not a bad idea to have a small gift or even a t-shirt which says "Big Brother" or "Big Sister" on it- ready to
give to your older child(ren) as a gift "from" the new baby. This can go a long way toward inspiring peace between siblings from the beginning- if the new baby is "happy" to have such a good big brother or sister, then your child(ren) will definitely not be as likely to view the new baby as an interloper.

Allow your child to "show off" baby to his/her friends or older relatives and family members. Allow him/her to show pride in being the "big brother/big sister" and
even make opportunities for him/her to "brag" about the new baby.

If you feel your child is having an abnormally difficult time dealing with having a new sibling, then it's not such a bad idea to take him/her to a counselor or
therapist. If your child shows signs of being overly aggressive, extremely depressed or moody, then he/she needs to be evaluated by a professional and taught ways to handle any stress or insecurity he/she may be feeling.

Make sure to spend plenty of quality "family time" with ALL of your children. Find ways to incorporate interactions between your children, yourself and/or your
spouse. It's important for your child to see the new baby as a positive addition to your family. Even though it may be a bit difficult at first, taking your children to do different things (even though the baby is too young to really do much!), will show your child that the new baby is a good addition to the family.

Give it time. In especially young children, it can take many months to adjust to having a new baby. It may take him/her time to realize that the new baby is "here to stay," and to realize that he/she still has a place within the family. Don't force your child to be a "big" brother or sister or to take an interest in baby, that will come with time. Let your child set the pace, but make sure to reinforce positives as often as possible without pushing.

Overall, it's important to understand that bonding between siblings can take time, whether the age difference is a year or twenty years! Have patience, try to keep stress in the household to a minimum, and don't be too hard on yourself as a parent if it gets a bit "trying" at times. Understand that it's perfectly normal for older siblings to be jealous of a new baby, but that it usually works itself out if a good balance of attention is achieved. I have six children, and they couldn't be closer- but it didn't happen overnight!