End the Cycle: Getting Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

While physical abuse is shamefully common in relationships, emotional abuse is even more common. According to a Canadian survey, 35% of all women who are or have been in married or common-law relationships have experienced emotional abuse. Sadly, many times women (and more rarely, men) don't even realize they're being verbally or emotionally abused. Even if you subconsciously realize your relationship is not healthy, it's easy to live in denial. Make no mistake, verbal/emotional abuse is just as damaging - possibly moreso long-term - as physical abuse.

Some of the warning signs of an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship are:

Controlling behavior: your partner keeps sole control over all of the money, tries to prevent you from seeing friends or family, discourages outside activities/interests.

Belittling, criticism and/or name-calling: will put you down (often only behind closed doors (others often perceive the abuser as a good spouse), never seems happy with the housework, your job/income, or other abilities and duties, will frequently tell you that no one else would ever want you (a very effective means of keeping an abused spouse's self-esteem squashed so they will not leave).

Anger/rage: becomes easily enraged, usually blaming you for any perceived problem or slight; becomes angry at seemingly small issues and directs responsibility anywhere but on him/herself.

Threats: makes veiled or overt threats, either verbal or physical, in order to keep you in line and cause you to fear the consequences of trying to end the relationship.

Extracting one's self from an abusive marriage or relationship can be intimidating, especially if the abused spouse is financially dependent upon the abuser. But it can be done, and absolutely should - especially if there are children involved. The advice in this article is directed toward those whom have already tried everything within their power to heal the marriage - whether counseling through clergy or a therapist, marital retreats, or support groups, books, and marriage programs. Sometimes the relationship is beyond repair, and in fact it is unusual - though not impossible - for an abusive spouse to truly change for the long-term.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for twelve years. I know firsthand how horribly difficult it is to make the decision to end it. I am intimate with the fear, the emotional dependency, and the humiliation. I knew my soul was dying, but I continued for too long, making the same excuses as he did for his behavior; he was tired, he had a bad day, the kids were acting up, the list was endless. I knew in my heart that things would never change, we had tried multiple avenues of help - counseling, a marriage encounter weekend, several books, nothing worked. After two separations over the years, I finally made the decision to end the marriage. When it got to the point that even family members did not want to visit, and my children were clearly being adversely affected, in addition to my own debilitating depression and nearly non-existent self-esteem, I knew it was time to take my life back.

The first thing to understand when you are in this situation - and it cannot be emphasized enough - is that it is NOT normal. You deserve better, no matter who you are, no matter what mistakes you might feel you've made in the relationship. While every couple has times of trouble and problems to work out, it should not be a continuously negative experience in which one partner feels afraid, put down, and as though they are walking on eggshells all the time in his/her own home.

Maybe you're just beginning to suspect your partner is abusive, or you might be at the point I was after years and years of it, your self-esteem is so beaten down and you feel so hopeless, unable to believe that life could possibly be any different. No matter what stage of the cycle you're in, rest assured that there are people out there who do not treat their partners this way. There is life beyond abuse. You may be so affected by your experience that you have truly stopped believing that anyone would ever treat you with respect. It's very easy to be influenced by such thoughts when you are slowly broken down over time; it's an insidious process and can take hold of even the most previously confident and outgoing people. Someone who really loves you will not call you names, make you feel inferior, and cause life to be a depressing and emotionally lonely existence. You can have a healthy relationship, but you must be willing to take the first step and break the cycle.

Once you make the decision to break free of an abusive relationship, you will need plenty of support. As embarrassed and vulnerable as you may feel, reach out to as many of your family and friends as you feel you can trust. They may or may not already know or suspect what's been going on in your relationship, but in any event your loved ones will no doubt want to help in any way they can. Asking for help can be very difficult and humbling. But you will need to surround yourself with those who care about you and can offer you emotional and practical support through this challenging time.

Don't hesitate to involve local women's shelters and other resources for domestic abuse. Search the internet for your area to find localized assistance. If you are not being physically abused, this may not be necessary, but it's helpful to have phone numbers at the ready just in case.

If at all possible - and if you are not able to immediately support yourself financially - apply for public assistance ahead of time. Yes, it can feel like a blow to one's pride. But it can be invaluable in allowing you to get out of a miserable situation until you get on your feet and can provide for yourself and/or your children. Find out what you need to fill out in order to get child support, preferably taken out of the working spouse's check automatically if applicable in your state. Do as many of these things as possible before you leave (or have the abuser removed), so that you minimize the financial stress as much as you can. You will be going through enough stress and trauma without having to deal with these worries on top of everything else.

Seek out counseling if you feel it would be beneficial in the process of healing from your experience. There are often reduced or free resources for therapy available to those in need, so contact local women's shelters for help with this; churches are also often a good place to get information and help with finding assistance.

Prepare yourself mentally to be steeled against your abusive partner's attempts to both prevent you from ending the relationship, and frequently to try to get you back when it's all over. It's likely that he or she will make all the promises in the world to change. It may be very convincing, and the person may even seem to completely change for a period of time. This normally does not last, however, and the person will go back to their old habits rather quickly. You will want to believe it can be different, but that is how the cycle is perpetuated time after time, wasting valuable years of your life and further traumatizing your children. True change deep within a person does not happen overnight when they realize you're fed up and leaving. If you are tempted to give them another chance, do NOT allow them to move back in, or move back home yourself. Require that your partner go through extensive counseling as well as programs designed to rehabilitate abusers. Build a life for yourself over a long period of time - months to years - before ever considering taking your partner back, so that if you should need to extract yourself again, you are not reliant on that person and can unengaged fairly easily.

Most importantly RESPECT YOURSELF. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to make the change. I can promise you, once it is over and done you will feel as though you are waking up to a whole new world, a bright, sunny world. Believe that your life CAN be good, and happy, and you can have a fulfilling, loving relationship. Life is so short, there is no time to waste on people who don't treat us the way we deserve. Don't waste energy on regret and beating yourself up over past mistakes. Move on and be willing to receive happiness. Honor yourself, and others will too. You can do it.

Resources for abused partners:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

http://www.ndvh.org/

Support Network for Battered Women:

http://www.snbw.org/

For advice on raising boys into men who won't abuse, plus more information on physical, sexual and emotional abuse:
http://www.endabuse.org

http://www.abusivelove.com

http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml

http://www.drirene.com/

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/abuse/verbal.php

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/