Endangered Species: Electric Can Openers

Quick! Someone call one of those protest groups! The electric can opener is in danger of extinction! We must act quickly or they will be lost forever!

My electric can opener has been a good and faithful servant. Ever ready to obey my every can opening whim, sometimes being a little lazy, making me run the can twice, my can opener is well traveled when it comes opening cans. Ravioli, green beans, canned corn, and Spaghettio's are a few of the visitors that frequent my can opener. Ravioli does not stop by to visit much anymore. Mr. Uppity has become technologically advanced and now sports a new pull tab, no longer requiring the service of my faithful can opener. The same with that snobby Mrs. Spaghettio's, she's doesn't come around much anymore. Stupid pull tabs!

At first, I welcomed the new fancy smanshie pull-tab on canned foods, it was a much needed vacation for my, once top of the line, under the counter mounted electric can opener. Now though, I fear that electric can openers all over the world will become extinct due to the implementation of these new easy to open cans. The vacation is over and my poor can opener just longs for some human contact. Poor little guy, you can just see a glimmer of hope in his shiney little handle when I walk by with a can. You can tell he's thinking that he's about to get to work again. He just wants to feel useful, you know.

Why, just yesterday I pulled a can of Mamwich from the cupboard, walked toward the can opener, and then realized, it too, has an easy open pull tab. Can opener owners must unite. Without use, these handy little gadgets that we have come to know and love, will fade away, never to be seen again.

I wonder if PETA has a sub-chapter, PETCO (People for Ethical Treatment of Can Openers) I wonder if that pet store with the same name has a basement full of folks fighting for can opener rights and that whole selling pet supplies thing is just a cover for the real work they do.

Down with pull-tab cans, they are putting our loyal friends out of work, and slowly sending them to that big junkyard in the sky. So join with me friends, let us put a stop to this madness. When you do your shopping only buy cans that must be opened with a can opener. Do not fall for the convenience propaganda they are feeding us!

Follow my instructions and you will save the lives of millions of electric can openers around the world. However, like Al Gore, this is what I want YOU to do, not what I do. Do not come looking in my cabinets, you will find many pull-tab cans. Shhhh don't say it too loud, the can opener will hear you!