Enjoying Your Sexuality and Intimacy After Breast Cancer

Perhaps during treatment, sex got put on the "back burner" because you were juggling so much. Or maybe now, you notice both physical and emotional changes in your sexuality. There are many resources and fresh approaches that can help you reclaim and revitalize this important part of your life. Check out the suggestions that follow . Do any of these statements that feel true for you.

It's been a while since we've had sex. How do we start again?

It's easier to start a conversation about sex with your partner when you're not in the bedroom. Try to discuss this when you are not too tired or stressed. Find a place that's private and a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted.

Set up guidelines, for example: "I want to talk about our sex life, but I don't want my feelings to get hurt, or yours, either. Let's agree to be kind and to really listen to each other, okay?"

It might also help to understand that you and your partner may have different ideas about good sex. Perhaps you would rather cover your body during sex because you want to look as "normal" as possible, or maybe you're self-conscious and not ready to trust that your partner will want you just as you are. In contrast, your partner may want to caress the scar from your breast surgery, since it helped make you well. Each of you needs to be patient and to try to understand the other's feelings.

Keep your goals modest, too. More leisurely touching is often a good place to start. Gentle ways to get used to being sexual again include exchanging back or feet massages with your partner, cuddling on the couch, or just "making out" with your clothes on. Do whatever helps you feel closer and more connected.

How do I date after cancer?

Restore your confidence by dressing in a way that makes you feel best. If your hair is really short, get advice on how to have fun with it. Buy a wild hat or huge earrings. Carry yourself with confidence, which is always attractive. Even if you don't FEEL confident, if you pretend you are, you might actually feel better.

When you are attracted to someone, and the attraction is mutual, consider the best time to share that you've had cancer. If you wait too long, there may be a feeling of betrayal when you finally do. However, if you talk about your cancer too early, you may frighten someone away if they're not yet invested in getting to know you. Hopefully, you'll sense the right time. It's best to bring this up BEFORE you are sexually intimate.

Try this:

"I'm really enjoying being with you. I would like to share a bit of medical history so that you can know another interesting thing about me: I was recently and successfully treated for breast cancer." Most new couples eventually talk about safe sex, so your cancer history may fit in that context. Not easy to talk about, but necessary.

Once you've told this person and they're okay with this new dimension of you, give yourself permission to go at your own pace as you become more intimate. "I feel a little awkward. Let's take it slow..." Your partner should take their cue from you.

My body feels so different

Your body has changed. If you've had breast surgery, you may no longer have the intense, erotic pleasure that used to come from nipple caressing. The nerve that carries those sensations runs through the center of the breast and is often damaged, even in lumpectomy. After mastectomy or breast reconstruction, the area will not have normal sensation. Women may regain more skin sensation in the months of healing after reconstruction.

Some women also no longer enjoy touching on the breast that was untreated, because touch there reminds them of cancer. You may need to explore new kinds of touching with your partner to find areas of the body that give you pleasure to replace the loss of excitement from breast caressing. For some women, this loss is a major source of mourning.

It helps if you and your partner can allow yourselves to be creative. Using your own hands, feel the skin all over your breast or breasts, sides of the body, and armpits, and over any other area that was involved in surgery (like the abdomen after a TRAM flap). What feels tingly, what hurts, where is there a pleasing sensation?

Can we try some new things?

Most couples who've been sexual together for a while fall into comfortable patterns. Recovering from breast cancer, both physically and emotionally, is an opportunity to find new ways of being intimate. If you're having a hard time getting excited during sexual touch, trying sexual aids like vibrators or reading erotic stories to each other to get that spark back. If you're not comfortable with these ideas, however, you can make small changes, such as lighting a scented candle or watching a romantic film together before lovemaking. In suggesting changes like these to your partner, be reassuring: you love sharing pleasure, you know your partner pleases you, and there's always room for experimentation. Hopefully, your partner will be delighted.

It's taking forever for me to climax

Usually, a combination of mental focus and attention to pleasurable sensations in your body is needed to stay excited and interested. Are you allowing for enough time and privacy to completely relax? Are you too tired? Are you having distracting thoughts about cancer when you try to enjoy sex? Are you taking tranquilizers or antidepressants that can interfere with reaching orgasm? What about desire and pain? If you are having sex to please your partner when you are not in the mood, or if sex hurts, it is not surprising that it would be difficult to have an orgasm.

It might help to experiment with new ways of being sexual. For example, to help you relax, ask your partner to give you a massage. It may sound paradoxical, but the more you try to have an orgasm, the more difficult it often becomes. Try focusing instead on treating yourself to fun and pleasure when your partner touches you, and take the time to lie back and just enjoy the feelings. If you get aroused enough, the orgasm will follow.