Enzymes and Probiotics and Omega-3s! Oh, My!

Most of us like to entertain the notion that we eat healthy, and even if we truthfully acknowledge that we could do much, much better, most of us have no idea how.

I have no idea how either, so don't think you're going to learn anything useful in this article. I'm just going to tell you what I've been doing to make myself think that I'm eating more healthfully. It's up to you to decide if any of it is worth following.

The Gabriel Method

The impetus for this change in my eating was reading Jon Gabriel's book The Gabriel Method (how original, right?). He used to weigh 400lbs or something like that and then realized he couldn't lose weight because his body "wanted to stay fat" and as long as it wanted to stay fat, nothing he did would allow him to lose weight. He then supposedly tricked his body into wanting to become thin by eating "real" foods (not processed), adding enzymes to help to more fully digest the good foods he ate, adding probiotics so that he had the right kind of healthy bacteria in his gut, and getting lots of omega-3s so that these healthy fats would keep his fat-loving body happy.

I started on this diet about two weeks ago and I've successfully gained 10 lbs, so it's definitely doing something! But despite the weight issue, I continue to eat "healthy" foods because I like to tell myself that even if I don't notice anything on the outside, I'm sure my blood is healthier. That's my delusion and I'm sticking with it, so don't bother trying to talk me out of it.

Some of the things I now eat are organic alfalfa sprouts, organic baby carrots, organic bell peppers, organic cauliflower and broccoli, and - well, I'm sure you are seeing the trend. Basically I'm eating foods that cause massive amounts of gas. (I'm sure you thought I was going to say "organic" but you were wrong.)

Magic Pills

Luckily the enzymes take care of the gas issue, which I find so much fun that I routinely push the limits of the poor little enzyme pills. Things that I couldn't even be in the same room with before (like black beans) I now eat with wild abandon. Extra sour cream on that black bean enchilada? Why yes, I'd love that. Is extra spicy ok? Well of course, bring it on! Seriously, these enzyme pills are magic pills. If you were to peek in my stomach I'm sure the little capsules have pained looks on their faces and their foreheads are sweating profusely with effort and concentration, but that's not my problem.

The particular brand of magic pill that I take is the Udo's Choice Enzyme Blend. You take one before each meal, and then you could probably eat plastic and metal and your stomach could still digest it.

Yummy Bugs

I don't know much about "cultures" or bugs in general, but when I see the words "probiotics" or "live cultures" I just think of tiny little slimy bugs, like miniature potato bugs. I'm glad they're very tiny, or else I'd be really grossed out. I have no idea what a live culture actually looks like and I honestly have no desire to find out. I eat them because the department of "they" says live cultures are good for me, and also because they hide them in yummy foods that help me forget I'm eating live bugs.

My favorite source of probiotics is the Dannon DanActive "Immunity" vanilla drink. I have no doubt that this drink does absolutely nothing to help my immunity, but I drink it because it tastes good - and because it has fancy bugs in it called "lactobacillus casei." (That sounds like a name straight out of Star Wars.)

Fish(y) Oils

Omega-3s have been talked about for a long time (we all know we're supposed to eat more cold-water fish), but there's only so much fish you can eat before you start worrying about mercury poisoning or the fear of growing fins. The solution is to get your healthy fats from a supplement. I found two types at the Vitamin Shoppe: the flaxseed variety and the fish variety. The brand I got is Barlean's "Omega Swirl" and they are quite tasty. Well, to be honest, I've only tried the flaxseed one, which is strawberry-flavored. We used our friend Rudy as the guinea pig for the lemon-flavored fish oil one, and his comment was, "Oh, that tastes like sugar!... And fish." So maybe I won't try that one yet.

I've heard that the omega-3s from fish oil are superior to the omega-3s from flaxseeds, because the fish oil ones are "long chain" and the flaxseed ones are "medium chain." These big words are just confusing to me, so I just go by how stuff tastes. The strawberry one is yummy, and the fish one scares me, so for now I'll stick with the strawberry version. Maybe one day I'll get brave and taste the fish version. (Yeah, right.)

Anyway, even if none of this is helping my general health, I'm having fun with it. I like saving money by bringing sandwiches in to work instead of frozen meals that usually taste yucky anyway, and I like eating lots of fruit and vegetables, so it's not exactly a hardship. And now that I have magic pills, I can eat whatever the heck I want and never have to worry about an emergency trip to the bathroom. And we all know how important that is to me since I'm now paranoid about bathrooms. The less time I can spend in them, the better.

Now if I can only get myself to stop eating the bad stuff [insert sappy monologue regarding my love for M&M's here], I'd probably be on to something.