Equality in Marriage

Within every couple, each partner has his or her unique strengths and weaknesses. My position is that there does not need to be a boss. Adults, particularly when married, need to have an individual sense of authority and responsibility. When combined with initiative, husband and wife are each the boss of themselves and joint decisions are mutual rather than authoritative.

When there is no boss, it does not mean that both partners have the same abilities and limitations. Even as equal partners within the relationship, each individual will still bring different capabilities and disadvantages to the table. Men and women frequently mistake EQUALITY between the sexes as SAMENESS between the sexes. To be an equal partner in strength, respect, and measure of responsibility does NOT mean that you must be the same or do the same things. All partners, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, should be equal, but different. Equal but different does NOT imply that one partner is more important, better, or stronger than the other. It simply means that while each has different strengths, both are vital to the overall strength and health of the relationship.

This kind of relationship is not based on one person calling the shots and another person submitting to their commands. A marriage based on bossiness and compliance is a marriage that focuses on you, he and she, and me, but leaves out the all important strength of WE, two people working as members of the same team. We all come from our own distinctive, varied, and colorful backgrounds. The collective experiences of each partner have given him or her unique strengths that contribute to the relationship. Along the same lines, the collective experiences of partners have also given them unique weaknesses. In a good relationship, partners make an effort to understand, nurture and respect each other's strengths and to avoid taking the other's weaknesses as "evidence" that they are not equals. It is the power of the collective strengths of each person that can replace the boss and result in a more harmonious and happy marriage.

The "taiji," or yin and yang symbol, from Eastern philosophy, is a perfect metaphor for a healthy relationship. The curve of the "S" that separates the white yin side from the black yang side separates the two sides, yet also connects them. The white and black sides take up equal space, yet are different in color and the reverse of one another in shape. Alone, each side would flop over, incomplete. Together, they create a complete circle where each side balances the other. The white yin side has a circle of black yang within it, and the black yang side has a circle of white yin within it. Men and women, thus, have differences in strength and weakness, but are inalienably equal. Each partner is strong on their own, but stronger together.

If you can learn to let go of stereotypical thinking, and rejoice in the strengths of both you AND your partner, your own self-esteem will be improved, your appreciation of your partner will grow. When there is no one burdened with the job of being the boss and no one feeling relegated to submissiveness, each person in a marriage then feels equal and equal partnership leads to happier and harmonious marriage.