Ersatz Reviews: The Sony PS3's New "Ultimate" Controller, Why and How?

Well, it has taken a few years but, have I finally gotten my hands on another S.S.S.P (Sony Super Secret Product)? What I am about to reveal is complete "science fiction". As far as anyone is concerned, the following never happened and what Fed Ex brought me doesn't exist. Like all of my ersatz reviews, there are no pictures, so please don't ask. Some companies manufacture their alpha tester prototypes with case and/or color variations to make sure no one releases pictures of them early. You can figure out why they do that, can't you?

As is obvious to any gamers out there, Nintendo's Wii is the Forest Gump of the game consoles. Its computer internals are primitive compared to the X-Box, and positively paleolithic compared to the PS3. But, for some reason, that little "kids" machine has whipped the sales knickers off of both of them. Everyone seemed to know why this was except for Sony (and to some extent, Microsoft). For several years they sat around clueless watching and wondering why Nintendo ate their lunch. Incredibly, it seemed like it took forever for those two corporate boneheads to finally figure out what every 9 year old gamer already knew, to wit: highly advanced computing and graphics power are useless if you have to interact with them via stone and bone tools.

The original PS series controllers have changed little over the years. The PS3's controllers are the worst of the lot. While they are fairly easy for young people with freshly developing neural channels, very flexible digits and blinding reflexes to operate, they become progressively harder to use as the gamer gets longer in the tooth. And, since the PS3, and to what used to be a lesser extent the Wii and X-Box, has depended on the adult demographic to make their machines a commercial success, this is a serious problem.

Well, once it dawned on Sony that their complete PS3 introductory flop was not just caused by price and availability issues, the controller problem began to sink in. In other words, if you want....no need, to sell your overpriced game consoles to adults between the ages of 25-55, why would you be stupid enough to introduce your latest and greatest game machine with a an antique controller that was the functional equivalent to a child-proof prescription bottle? The older a person gets, the harder that miniature lead boomerang is to manipulate and control. Furthermore, there is nothing else in an adult's life that even distantly requires the rapid bi-lateral, 3-dimensional finger movements needed to make that ugly lump work. In fact, most finger-controlled items in an adult's life make the controlled device easier to use, not harder. That's why the QWERTY keyboard remains very popular even though most people don't use it correctly. However they use it, it still makes the computing process easier (if this is hard to understand, then try typing your next sex chat conversation on a GPS... your partner will have reached menopause, or the old folks home long before you get done entering the text).

However, the current PS3 controller makes data entry and 3-dimensional control quite difficult. The Nintendo folks were smart enough to realize that the simpler the entry device (controller) is to use and the more it utilizes movements similar to reality, the greater its value (and fun) to the adult gamer. Defenders of the current PS3 controllers might say that if it is so hard for adults to use, why do fighter jets have similar control systems? The short answer is, "how many hours of intense training does it take to fly a fighter jet?" Most adults want to have fun with their game consoles, not qualify for "Top Gun"!

OK, we know some of the "whys" for a new PS3 controller and now it is time to look at the "hows": here we go. OK, it is a black chunk of plastic and, believe it or not, superficially it looks like the old controller. My response when I first saw it was, "You have got to be kidding. Do you never learn?" However, playing with it for a while has made me appreciate it quite a bit more than that initial gasp.

It is obviously a very, very pre-beta device. Its internal circuitry (of which there is quite a bit) has wire jumpers directly soldered to the circuit boards. Obviously, the circuit changes they represent occurred after the printed circuit was etched. The main board looks as though somebody shrunk a computer motherboard from a powerful PDA and stuffed it into the case. It screams "mega horsepower inside" more than any other game controller out there. There is a very interesting small, unoccupied header at the edge of the larger circuit board, right next to the potted microcontroller. It looks remarkably similar to the internal GPS headers found in self-locating and tracking computerized telescopes. At first, a controller with a GPS seems silly since it is unlikely you would be carrying it around with you out of the house or that you would need to know where you were in your own house.

Then it struck me, what if you could use the GPS, the MEMS solid-state gyros and the MEMs accelerometers to know exactly where, how, the amount of force used and in what direction the controller is moving? Such a design could easily handle super fast-moving battles in virtual 3-dimensional space even if your opponents were halfway around the world. Imagine game weapons that actually work and move exactly the way real weapons do? Or one that hits, misses and cuts exactly like a real blade. How about a bludgeon that requires the same 3-dimensional precision as would be required to wield an ash baseball bat for a politically incorrect attitude adjustment? To top it off, such capability would improve the users' skill with further use. I'm not talking skill using a dumb plastic brick studded with arcane buttons but rather a skill that translates directly to using the real weapon! Oh boy....can't wait to hear the nanny-state "experts" screaming about video games making the nation's youth unnatural born killers!

To get a rough idea the difference in effectiveness between the PS3's computing power interacting with such a controller, one needs only to compare it to the Wii's stick controller. It would be the difference in precision and control of an artist painting a Rembrandt versus one drawing stick figures. All this sounds really great but what makes it truly "revolutionary"?

Well, here comes the big "reveal". The thing splits in half! This is not so you get an extra one for free (nothing I know of that Sony makes for games is affordable, much less free). But this capability is to allow you to use both hands like you would if you were holding a sword and a knife, two handguns, a pump shotgun or, secured to your wrists, the real 3-dimensional movements of a two-fisted fist fight. Maybe with an extra controller (purchased separately of course) kicks and stomps could easily be added to the fight. Or, ever try to fly a real helicopter? The real thing is incredibly difficult to fly (in comparison, makes real airplane controls feel like a go-cart's). No simulated helicopter flight game or pc heli simulator has ever even been remotely like the real thing. With these new PS3 controllers, suddenly the experience can be precisely like the real thing (FAA Heli-flying hours credit anyone?). Suddenly, a whole new world of virtuality begins to unfold.

Now the inevitable downside. Obviously, if Sony's machine designers had introduced these controllers at the same time as the then new and much anticipated PS3, even at its ridiculous selling price, it would have clobbered every game machine out there. Nintendo would be relegated to the nursery school set and Microsoft would still be scratching its head trying to understand the hardware. However, by waiting until the PS3 nearly flopped and its current pricing falling to reasonable levels, Sony is left with a serious dilemma. These new controllers are pricey to make, very. There is no way that, if they introduce them now for the much cheaper PS3, their traditionally huge profits will ever materialize. Yet they have to do something to prop up their game/console sales and retake the title of "most powerful and sophisticated commercial game machine in the world". So their choices for introduction appear to be either as an expensive add-on accessory for the PS3 or included in the $700 sale price of the new, yet to be released, PS3 heir, the amazingly powerful, PS"X"! Ah but that's yet another review and that will depend on whether or not my source is still testing for Sony after this review (actually, I think she will be).

OK, this review is over. As always, this ersatz review had nothing to do with any real machines, living or dead! It all never happened.