Essential Items for Any Painting Project

Full Fuel Tank
Painting requires a car in good working order and a full tank of gas. This allows you to make the multiple trips to the store to get items you need, but forgot to buy when you bought the paint. You can plan on at least one trip per day of the project.

Paint
It is the primary rule of painting that picking out paint colors will take three times longer than actually painting. If you have to confer with your significant other, picking the right colors may take up to six months. Many people simply find divorce preferable. Choosing between "royal hunter green" and "painted turtle" took us three weeks. When it came to "river reed" or "weeping willow," threats were made and blood nearly drawn.

It is the secondary rule of painting that once you have picked out the perfect colors, you will forget the sample cards when you go to buy the paint. You'll try to guess at the colors, but will end up with something completely different. The beauty is, unless someone reads the labels, no one will ever know you had to wing it.

Jargon
The helpful people at the paint store are going to dazzle you with all sorts of helpful bullshit like, "hue, tone, shade, primary, complimentary, flat, and semi-gloss." Don't be fooled. Beige is beige and not ecru. Eggshell white and regular white look exactly the same on the wall, your shirt, or your cat (see "drop cloths" below). When the paint store clerk tries to confuse you with this meaningless jargon, simply say, "Have you got something that I can clean blood off of easily?" I guarantee this will end the confusing conversation and gain you a 15% discount on your purchase.

Drop cloths
You can't have too many drop cloths. All paint is possessed. I think the shaker they put the paint in to mix the color actually adds a gremlin or demon to the can. You will spill paint no matter how hard you try not to. It will drip off the roller. It will flick off the brush. You will forget you have a loaded brush in your hand when someone calls your name, you turn suddenly, and accidentally swipe the chifforobe. Cover everything including your pets.

Edging tools
They're all crap. All the fancy gizmos in the world won't paint a straight line. The only thing that paints a straight line is tape and even then, paint will seep behind the tape. There was a cool trick I once saw to keep paint from getting under the tape, but I can't remember what it is. Free hand all lines. The only specialty tool I've found worth a nickel was a corner painting pad. It doubles as a decent edger, too.

Cardboard and Tee-shirts
Cardboard is perfect for jamming under baseboard to keep the paint off the carpet. Old tee-shirts make great rags and portable drop cloths. Anytime I set an open can of paint down, it sits on an old tee-shirt. Tee-shirts are also perfect for covering the can lid when you are tapping it closed with a hammer. If you put hammer to lid without a tee on top, make sure you are outside and at least 50 feet away from any house, car, or human being with whom you want to remain friends. Just trust me.

Brushes, rollers and pans
They are all disposable. I used to clean things and try to reuse them. It's a pain and makes a huge mess. Buy cheap, disposable brushes. Throw them away when done. Used rollers go directly into the trash. There are even biodegradable pans. Chuck it all with one exception. The only thing you should spend a ridiculous sum of money on is a very good, one-inch, beveled trim brush. Get the most expensive one you can find. Wash it when done. Treat it more lovingly than your own children. A good trim brush is the most useful thing you can own. I've used mine so much, I can paint a mouse's eyelashes with it.

Extension poles
I painted the entire outside of my house without a ladder. One 14-foot extension pole is all I needed. I attached rollers and brushes (special brush clip not included) as needed. A ladder did not grace the interior of my just-painted bedroom. If I couldn't reach it with the extension pole, I stood on a chair. Ladders are unsafe. You can die falling off a ladder. The worse thing that can happen on a chair is you sit down and take a break.

A good paint job is in the details, details like, "I know the bed goes here so there is no need to paint this baseboard. No one will ever see it." These items are all you need except an old hat. Paint is the devil in your hair.

Behind the Writing: Inspiration