Establishing Boundaries with Families, In-Laws, Step-Children, and Former Spouses

Having been a single mom to one son for almost 10 years, I will shortly be adding 5 more sons to my family, along with a husband and the accompanying in-laws and former spouses of his.

In my own prior marriage, I regretted not establishing my own boundaries early on with my in-laws and my own family. However, in hindsight I realize that part of having ground rules with the in-laws would also involve the spouse helping to maintain and enforce them as well. Never happened with my former spouse. To this day with his current spouse, he refuses to stand up to his mother on any issue.

To my credit, I have established clear boundaries with my own family, which they don't always want to abide by, but which I do enforce steadfastly. This has brought my son and me a great deal of peace.

So now the quest becomes learning how to do the same thing with my new in-laws, my new (step) children, and the hubby's two former spouses: without turning into a wicked stepmother.

Too Many Changes Create High Stress

It is a well-documented fact that changes in our life and circumstances can create stress. Stress can create medical problems, as well as give birth to tensions and high emotions in circumstances which otherwise would be calm and rational.

The upcoming changes will affect us all. My goal is to discover how to make the transition as smooth as possible while establishing the boundaries I feel are necessary in order for me to keep my sanity. All other boundaries are up for negotiation with my future spouse.

Who's The Boss?

First, I believe are the boundaries regarding roles in the marriage. Deciding who will take responsibility for what is important in setting up a chain of command with the children, and in successfully dealing with issues in our marriage and in our family.

Good things to consider would be what is the primary role of the husband; what is the primary role of the wife; how will we handle the finances; how will we handle discipline with our respective children; how will we handle decision-making in our marriage and family; etc.

Yours, Mine, and Ours

Ensuring the children know who is in charge of what; as well as how discipline will work in the family is a key issue in boundary-setting with a newly blended family. Both parents need to agree to a set of basic rules and support one another 100% in the maintenance and enforcement of them.

Disagreements over administered discipline should never be handled in front of the children. The children should always see a united front from their parents. When you raise children, you quickly learn a great deal about the art of war; and how the little terrorists instinctively know how to divide and conquer at the slightest sign of weakness.

Any changes in the administered discipline need to come from the one who set the consequence. The other parent needs to show complete support for the meted discipline and the other parent, regardless of their personal feelings, lest the children detect an opening for anarchy.

His and Hers

Next come the boundaries regarding our own families and in-laws. We need to establish clear guidelines upfront with both families as to what is appropriate and inappropriate in their relationships with our children and us.

It is so very easy for families who have witnessed the devastating effects of divorce to want to offer advice and get involved out of love and concern. That love and concern can go seriously wrong, though, when the respective families become overly involved (a.k.a. intrusive) in the newly established family's life.

Better for the respective families to wait to be asked for advice and involvement, than to jump in and potentially create additional problems and stresses for the new family. Firmly and lovingly letting the respective families know their wisdom and help is valued and will be sought when needed may be a good way to handle the situation. When it comes to enforcement, both husband and wife need to be steadfast in maintaining the boundary with both families.

Dealing with Former Spouses

This is a really tough issue. Things get very complicated when a new spouse comes along. Suddenly the former spouse has been 'replaced' and the children have a new parent in the picture. It can be difficult enough for two parents to reach any kind of agreement regarding the children, and the rearing and discipline of them. When you begin to add more people to that mix it is a disaster waiting to happen.

I believe that the legal issues need to be handled by the two biological parents, while all other issues become a matter of what is appropriate according to house rules at each home. It would be great if the rules at both homes were uniform, but that rarely happens. To try to insist upon that is wrong (controlling behavior is a bad thing). The sad reality is that the children have to learn to deal with two sets of rules. It is unreasonable to expect the former spouse to enforce consequences meted out by the other spouse, though it is helpful when the 'punishment' carries over from home to home.

I Get No Respect

Above all, I feel every person involved in the blended family needs to be treated with respect and courtesy. Whether they are the new spouse or the former one; one's own family or the in-laws; ones biological children or newly acquired children; all have inherent value and worth. All have feelings, needs, and the divine right to be treated with kindness.

Epilogue

So now that I have done my homework and found some good strategies, I can't wait to see how this will all work out. I am sure over the upcoming months and years I will be gaining more fodder for my writing as I learn from my mistakes, and witness miracles in the blending of our new family.