Establishing a "Safe Word" for Sexual Experimentation

The concept of a safe word to use during sex comes from the bondage community. A safe word is a word or phrase that either partner can say when the scenario gets too uncomfortable to continue. Although the idea of a safe word originated in a particular subculture, any couple delving into unfamiliar sexual territory for the first time should have one.

Advantages of Having a Safe Word

There are many advantages to having a safe word. The first is that sexual experimentation with your partner should always feel fun and safe. Whether you're tying each other to the bedposts or role-playing for the first time, establishing a safe word makes both partners comfortable that the situation can end at any sign of discomfort.

Secondly, you and your partner will be more likely to try new things, because you will be released from any psychological obligation you might feel to finish an act you are uncomfortable with.

Most importantly, though, establishing a safe word with your partner will open lines of communication. Talking about having a safe word to use during sex is a good way to talk about other aspects of your sexual relationship. When you broach the subject of having a safe word for sexual experimentation, you can express to each other things that you would like to try, things you are hesitant to try, and things you are absolutely uncomfortable with.

Choosing the Safe Word

When you and your partner establish a safe word, you need to choose something that is easy for both of you to remember, no matter what is going on. You and your partner may have the same word, or choose different words. Either way, the safe word needs to be free of sexual connotations. "No" and "stop" make bad safe words, because those are words that might be said as part of sex play. For example, if you and your partner go to a bar and one of you is pretending to pick up the other as a stranger, "Stop hitting on me," or "No, I won't go home with you" are potentially confusing if "no" or "stop" is the safe word.

For myself, a safe word that I've used is "potato," because it's a word I wouldn't normally use in most conversations, let alone during sex. Also, the word "potato" has significance for me. When I was a teenager, my friends and I would use the word "potato" to mean that a parent was about to enter a room in which someone was making out with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

I've known couples who've used "safe word" as the safe word, simply for lack of a better idea. Whatever you choose, make sure that you and your partner are both absolutely clear on what saying the safe word means during sex.

When your Partner Says the Safe Word

If your partner says the safe word, you need to stop whatever you are doing. Immediately remove yourselves from the sexual aspect of the situation. If and when your partner feels comfortable, talk about what went wrong or what made your partner uneasy. Do not press for an explanation, though, because the whole reason the safe word exists is to eliminate the need for an explanation to stop a scenario. Likewise, if you are the one to say the safe word, your partner must immediately respect your need to stop.

Ironically, though, establishing a safe word for sexual experimentation will often make stopping a situation unnecessary. The fact that you have a safe word is sometimes enough to make a partner feel comfortable enough to try new things with less apprehension. Having options is empowering, and the option to stop uncomfortable sex without explanation or apology will open up your world to a whole new range of sexual possibilities.