Establishing Trust and Credibility

It is a given that without trust there can't be love. Trust must be earned, even by parents. How do we develop the qualities that allow our children to see us as trustworthy, credible human beings? Children come into the world loving their parents unconditionally. They rely on us totally for their very survival. As they become older they watch and listen very intently to what we say and how we act.

Imagine a toddler, used to a loving, even tempered parent, being confronted by an angry screaming, red faced ogre. That's how they perceive such changes. That sudden change in YOUR behavior has broken a trust with your child. They will never again quite believe that all your love and smiles are real. Does this sound extreme? I can assure you it isn't. Children are very, very vulnerable to their parent's every mood. If this happens in your home, once you have calmed down, an apology needs to be made. Let your child know how upset you were and how sorry you are that you frightened them. Tell them you will try very hard not to act this way again. This validates and acknowledges their fright and shows them you still love them.

Try hard not to make promises to your child. Too often, life gets in the way, and promises get broken. It is much better to say you will try very hard to do something and fail, then to outright promise and not follow through. My aunt used to tell my cousin she would always be there for her. She became extremely ill with pernicious anemia, and was hospitalized for 3 months. My cousin became very angry with her and told her she had lied. To this day, she has trouble trusting what her mother tells her.

All children have their little secrets. If they honor you by sharing a confidence, don't betray it. Older children who might have serious issues may seek your advice in confidence. Set the guidelines out before the conversation begins, allowing your child the choice whether to continue or not say anything. The guidelines might be: "if this is about your friend, and he's doing something dangerous or illegal, I may have to talk to his parents" "I will try very hard not to betray your confidence, if this has to happen". This gives your child a sense of trust and belief in your personal credibility.

Building trust comes through steady reliable behavior on the parent's part. It is an integral part of the framework of love and safety you build around your child.

Self assessment: Taking a deep and honest look at yourself, have you ever betrayed your child's trust? Think about and implement ways to rebuild or increase the trust level between you.