Etiquette for the Employed

Unemployment rates in the United States in some states are on par with those during the first year of the Great Depression. During this tenuous time when no politician, economist or pundit can offer assurance that the jobs lost will come back, the unemployed population is staggering under the weight of the possibility that it might be months before they are gainfully employed (not to mention their most urgent question -- will they find a job before their unemployment benefits run out?). If you are employed, gosh, consider yourself fortunate. But chances are excellent you have unemployed friends and family members who have been scouring the job market to no fruitful end. Here are some genteel suggestions for showing your unemployed loved ones that you are sensitive to their situations.

All the time in the world?

There is a myth that those who don't have to punch the clock at 8 a.m. stay at home all day and watch Snapped! reruns on the Oxygen Network. Not so. If your job-hunting friend is diligent, he or she is scouring one website after the other, filling out applications, revising her vitae, writing cover letters, calling his recruiter, checking in with her staffing agency, refilling the printer, and hopefully, going on job interviews. (Phew!)

Treat your unemployed friend's time as you would your own. Issue invitations in advance, and for goodness' sake, don't call in the middle of the day just to "chat." Your friend might be expecting phone calls from a prospective employer. Finally, remember that your friend has a full time job: Finding a job! And that might mean working weekends.

We request the honor of your presence ...

I'd like to share a personal anecdote: A male friend had agreed to be the best man in a college buddy's destination wedding. However, two months before the big day, my friend was laid off and subsequently embroiled in an untidy battle to get unemployment benefits. He flew to the wedding anyway, his savings languishing. After he returned, the results were not very pretty: He was flat broke!

If you are getting married, take into account the finances of unemployed wedding attendants who live out of town. They might be too proud to tell you about their dire straights, but tactfully discussing if participating in your big day will pose financial stress is a requisite. You might offer to buy the bridesmaid's dress or rent the tuxedo and pay for their travel expenses. If they gently decline -- and they might not want to feel like a charity case -- at least you'll know you gave it your best effort.

Good etiquette during times of high unemployment means never assuming that out-of-town travel is possible for those without steady income. If you are from City A and your spouse-to-be is from City B and you anticipate inviting a lot of folks from both cities, consider having an engagement party in City A and the wedding in City B so those who can't afford to make the trip to see you get hitched can share in your joy.


And as always, when registering for gifts, make sure to include several inexpensive items for the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, as well as gift cards.

Good times are cheap (or free)

You and your unemployed friend might have had a tradition of meeting up at the swank French fusion restaurant every Saturday night. Asking people to spend money on entertainment is dodgy during a recession (a lot of people have sacrificed their daily Starbucks to save a little cash). If you invite your job-seeking friend out to coffee or out to eat, make sure they know, "It's my treat!"

Another way to make sure that an unemployed loved one knows his company is appreciated is to invite him or her over to share a home-cooked dinner and watch a new movie. And of course, there are activities that both of you can enjoy at expense of a little gas money. Invite them to explore the botanical gardens, take a walk around the park, go to a local art gallery that doesn't charge admission, or take a free yoga class. The one activity to avoid? Shopping!

The most important thing to convey to your loved one is that you cherish the time you spend with them -- and that doesn't have to cost a dime.

Showboat? No boat!

I silently watched an exchange between two people. One was telling his friend about his month-long vacation to Tokyo to attend the Cherry Blossom Festival, all of the fancy hotels he stayed in, all of the expensive meals he ate. The friend simply walked away without saying a word. "What's wrong with him?" the high-flying traveler asked me. Well, his friend, who was unemployed, had recently moved out of his own home and in with friends because he was down to his last dollars. I'm sure the last thing he wanted to hear about was a sushi dinner that could have paid a month of his rent!

What's the lesson in this tale? In times of economic prosperity, sharing your happiness over your brand new HD television or the exotic cruise you're anticipating may be apropos; but in a difficult economic climate, it's more courteous to keep your good gains to yourself.

What not to say

Here's something you will eventually see, if you haven't already seen it: The person who was a successful real estate agent working behind the cashier's desk at a sporting goods shop. The gal who once owned her own boutique dashing off from one lowly temporary assignment to another.

Your intelligent, educated loved ones ... why are they squandering their talent and resources like this? The answer: It's because they'll do anything it takes so they're not a drain on their own friends and families. So bite your lip if you're tempted to tell an unemployed friend that he or she can "get a better job than that." What, you want to hang out with a bunch of people stuck in the same sense of entitlement that got us into this pickle to begin with? If anything, praise them for their integrity and good work ethic!

Help!

We've all heard the word "networking." Now is the time to turn that noun into a verb. If you know of a job opening that your unemployed friend or family member is qualified to perform, don't assume they're not interested because the salary is less than that to which they are accustomed. Let them know about it!