Etiquette of a Gentleman

The ways of the "Gentleman" seem to have been forgotten in this world of one-night stands, turbo-dating, alternative lifestyles and instant gratification. The days of courting a prospective date over a long period of time, getting to know the other person, learning about all of their foibles and idiosyncrasies, and taking the time to get to know one another has been replaced by the dating style of MTV's "NEXT" and other dating methods that force you to make a decision based on very little information and very little time.

The art of courting a lady and practicing gentlemanly ways is a dying art. But according to numerous surveys from the various women's magazines, one of the top-five things a woman looks for in a potential date, mate, or guy of the moment, is a gentleman. So after speaking with numerous women, researching the Internet and getting my mom to re-teach me everything she taught me years ago about being a gentleman, I have come up with a list of skills to learn if you want to be known as a "Gentleman":

1) Always open doors for women. This rule will come back to bite you in the butt every now and then when run across the woman who hates to be thought of as helpless. But from experience, I have learned, that the positive response far outweighs the negative response with this practice.

2) Don't flaunt your money---or lack thereof. If a woman is interested only in what you make---or don't make, she's not looking for a gentleman. She's looking for a walking wallet.

3) At the same time, don't be cheap. Women want to feel like you are willing to spend money to show them a good time. Always tip well---but discreetly, and don't use coupons for a two-for-one deal at the fanciest restaurant in town.

4) Always be punctual, or even early, for a date. It's natural, and even expected, for a woman to be running a little late when getting ready for a date. This is just the nature of men/women relations. You should not let this get you angry. Just have a seat and patiently wait for her to get ready.

5) DO NOT!!! DO NOT!!! Groom yourself in public. Save the nail-trimming, hair brushing and teeth picking for a visit to the men's room.

6) Always hold your date's chair. And later in the meal, when she inevitably visits the ladies room to call her girlfriend to talk about you, stand when she leaves the table and stand when she returns.

7) Help a lady on with her coat. Again, you may run into the rare feminist nazi who will yell at you for "demeaning and subjugating" her, but that breed of woman is getting more rare by the minute. Thank God!

8) When talking to a woman over dinner---STOP TALKING! Listen. I have fallen by the wayside on about half of these lessons in being a gentleman, but I have never stopped practicing this lesson. Women, as a general rule, don't want you to solve all their problems. They just want a sympathetic ear. If you do try to solve all their problems without them asking you to, you really are demeaning them. They are capable of taking care of themselves.

9) Number 9 is actually an addendum to number 8. When listening, look a lady in the eye. Trust me, they have two eyes just like men. And they are on her face, not her chest. If you look a woman in the eye, about 6-9 inches above why you went out with her in the first place, you will score more points than you ever thought possible.

10) Number ten is a second addendum to number 8. Do not interrupt a lady when she's talking. Wait for a natural lull in the conversation before offering your views (and offer "your" views...she can tell when your just agreeing with her).

11) If you smoke, ask her first if she minds. I know you've heard it a thousand times, but know one likes kissing an ashtray.

12) Always offer your seat to a woman. If there are no seats available and a woman is standing next to you, offer her your seat. Many women in today's world will decline, but always offer.

13) Don't swear. Swearing only shows that you are not smart enough to think of anything useful to say. Trust me, no matter what you may have learned from MTV, women do not want to be referred to as your "Bitch."

14) Do not lose your temper. Women will respond one of two ways to this: 1) they will get scared and you have lost all chance of a second date. Or, 2) She will tell all her friends what a jerk you are. Always remember that the first impression you give a lady is the most important impression you will ever make on her---and all 50 of her closest friends.

15) Always walk on the street side of the lady to protect her from traffic.

16) Always smile. She doesn't care that you have had a bad day. She wants to believe that when you picked her up for your date, that is when your day began.

17) When meeting a woman for the first time, always have a small gift. A single rose is usually a good choice. It shows that you are a thoughtful individual. If you show up with a dozen roses on the first date, it smacks of desperation.

18) If you are like me, you are comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans 24-7. Invest in a decent wardrobe. Lady's spend an inordinate amount of time making themselves presentable, even for people they don't like. The least you could do is wear a button up shirt. A few hints when shopping for a new wardrobe; 1) if you are fashion illiterate, take someone to help you. 2) Belt should match your shoes. 3) Socks should match your shirt. And, 4) Blue jeans are NOT an every occasion piece of apparel.

19) Always have a handkerchief, pen and a lighter handy. It shows you as a prepared individual. And the pen is handy for obtaining her phone number later in the evening.

20) And finally, if your efforts to be viewed as a gentleman have succeeded and you have progressed to a serious relationship, the skill that will always maintain your gentleman persona is your ability to speak the phrase, "Yes Dear" at every available opportunity.

Now go out into the world and practice your newfound skills. Find the woman of your dreams. Treat her like a lady. And watch her dump you for the next Brad Pitt or walking bank that rounds the corner. Good Luck.