Etiquette for Looking at Other People's Tattoos

Well-meaning and curious people often unintentionally offend tattooed individuals. Miss Manners probably hasn't broached this subject yet, but there are definite dos and don'ts for looking at other people's tattoos. Based on my personal experience and the experiences of friends, here are some of the things that get on our nerves, and some things we appreciate when folks express interest in our body art.

First, the don'ts:

1. Don't touch people's tattoos out of curiosity unless you have express permission to do so.

This is probably the most common thing that a stranger can do to offend someone when looking at a tattoo. There are practical considerations at play as well as courtesy. If it's new tattoo, it either hurts or itches. When a tattoo is in the healing stage, it has to be kept moist with lotion to prevent scabbing. Now I'm a pretty nice person, but I don't take kindly to someone putting a potentially germy hand on what is essentially an open wound.

As humans, it's instinct to want to touch something that catches your eye. But just like it's never appropriate to walk up to a pregnant lady and put your hand on her stomach, it's not cool to touch a stranger's tattoo out of curiosity.

2. Likewise, don't lift the clothing of strangers.

If an acquaintance told you he lost weight, would you lift up her shirt to look at her stomach? If your Aunt Betty mentioned the scar from her hip surgery, would you pull down her skirt to see? Of course not, because that's rude!

If you want to take a better look at someone's tattoo that's partially obscured by clothing, just ask if you can see the rest. Most people will happily oblige. If not, well, it's not for you to decide.

3. Don't ask if it hurt.

I'll answer that for you right now. Yes, it hurt.

The size, location, and complexity of the tattoo, as well as an individual's reaction to pain will determine exactly how much a tattoo hurt. Getting tattooed can hurt anywhere from a little to a lot. But yes, it hurt. Duh.

4. Don't ask how much the tattoo cost unless you're seriously looking for a tattoo artist of your own.

Does your mother leave the price tag on before giving you a present? Did you ask your co-worker how much he spent on his fiancée's engagement ring? Did you ask her friend how much she spent on her outfit or getting her cavity filled? Yeah, probably not.

On the other hand, if you like the tattoo you're looking at and are seeking something similar, ask about the tattoo artist as a way to lead into a question about pricing. We understand that sometimes getting the tattoo you want can be pricey and that cost can be a determining factor in whether or not you get one.

5. Don't express disgust or judgment.

If someone is kind enough to let you look closely at their tattoo, don't be unkind. "It's not my style," "I don't know how you could do that to yourself," and "What on earth would your mother say?" are all completely inappropriate things to say. It's perfectly okay to not like someone's tattoo. It's another thing to ridicule a permanent part of someone's body. If I don't like your elbow or your nose, I'm going to keep it to myself like a decent human being.

And now for the dos:

1. Do pay a sincere compliment.

Whether or not you appreciate someone's tattoo, you can find something nice to say. A simple "Cool" is fine, but feel free to say that you like the colors, the shape, the shading, or the workmanship. Even, "That's a neat idea for a tattoo," or "I like the story behind it," will get you a long way.

2. Do ask smart questions if you're curious about the tattoo.

Now that you know it hurt and that you shouldn't ask how much it cost, keep in mind that it's fine to ask questions when you're looking at someone's tattoo. Ask about the artist, whether it was custom work, what the story was, or even if the person has any others. We love to talk about our tattoos to people who are seriously interested.

3. Do return the favor and show off your own tattoo if it's in an appropriate place, or tell your tattoo story.

I have absolutely no desire to see the butterfly on your pubic line (unless I know you very well), but I would like to look at your tattoo in return if you've got one. Hey, we're curious about other people's tattoos, too.

4. Do thank the person for showing you her tattoo.

If someone goes out of their way to have an exchange about something dear to them, a simple "Thanks for showing me" is always appreciated. I hate being on the train stuck talking to some random jerk about my body if I think my efforts to be kind aren't reciprocated.

As a tattooed individual, it's important to know that I generally feel flattered when someone wants to take a closer look. Like anyone, though, tattooed folks tend to get a little standoffish when treated like laboratory specimens. But remember, most people with tattoos are more than happy to show off ink and tell the stories behind them. After all, we've (literally) chosen to wear our hearts on our sleeves.