Eva Longoria Taken to Hospital

Glamourous actress Eva Longoria, known for playing the sexy Gabrielle on Desperate Housewives, slipped on the stairs of her trailer Friday and was rushed to a local hospital. Though she has only a few bruises and does not look to miss any time, the situation could have been much worse. For the Desperate Housewives production crew, the situation is turning into a PR nightmare.

"I want to know why her trailer had the slippery steps," said Marcos Gonzalez, who indentified himself as a red-blooded American and part-time activist for various Hispanic-American groups. "Why not one of those Anglo-Saxon witches, eh? Do they all get Mercedes-style trailers and she gets the pinto? What's the deal?"

With respect to her ethnicity and the working conditions on the shabby show, OSHA President John Rickshaw will plow forward with a well-built investigation. "I find it preposterous that a major network such as ABC can even have its sexiest star navigating stairs. That woman should be on a couch somewhere wearing one of those, you know, revealing but comfortable Middle Eastern Sultan's harem outfits while the servants fan her with palms," he said. "OSHA will definitely be investigating this.

Many fans of Longoria's body think there is a nefarious conspiracy out to harm her. Last season, a lighting pole feel and hit the gorgeous brunette in the head. Perhaps, suggest some male fans, the other Housewives are jealous. "Why not Marcia Cross?" screamed a small group of stalkers-turned-protestors outside of the studio lot. "Why not Huffman?"

Indeed. Though they boast immense talent as actresses (and Filliam Muffman is my favorite celebrity couple), neither Marcia Cross nor Felicity Huffman can rival Longoria on the "drop-dead" factor. So why is poor little Eva the victim of these small accidents? Why is her trailer not as nice and idiot-proof as Teri Hatcher's? Are the other Housewives jealous? Why, after the emotional turmoil of hearing the death knell of her and Tony Parker's relationship is she subject to this heinous act of negligence - possibly based in racial profilling by gay right-wing producers?

I don't know. But Eva, if you'd like to talk it over and tell me all of your problems, feel free to call me, or send pictures, or show up at my door and we can frolick in the cornfields and then relax in a hottube on my neighbor's back porch while they're away. Whatever. Just know I'm looking out for you, babe.