Every Dog Deserves a New Ball -- or Two

I will admit that my dogs are spoiled. I have a family room filled with their toys. We have birthday parties for them; they eat sirloin steak from time to time; and their lives in general are more relaxed and pampered than mine. However, even my spoiling has limits. There have been a few pet products that have come on the market in recent years that I refuse to buy.

I will not buy my dogs clothes. Okay, they wear matching bandanas, and for our Christmas card or for Halloween, they may sport an appropriate hat, but that is where I draw the line. They do not wear dresses or angora sweaters, and there is no way in hell that I am coughing up money for dog Snuggies so my pooches can be cuddly and warm while watching TV. Isn't their fur their own built-in Snuggie?

I also refuse to polish their nails or make them wear diamond-studded collars, and last but so NOT least, they do not ride in a stroller. Yes, I make my dogs walk. I know that sounds cold and callous, but my dogs walk next to me on a leash or they run free in the yard. It was only recently that I discovered there were such things as dog strollers. I remember the day I first encountered one. I was in an antique store when a young couple came in pushing a pretty pink stroller. Being a baby lover, I said

"Congratulations. How old is your baby?"

"Six months," they responded simultaneously. I could hear the pride in their voices. Then the mom lifted the mesh that protected the little one from the sun (her words not mine) to show me her little miracle, and I literally gasped out loud. In the stroller was a freaking dog! At first, I thought this couple just had a really ugly hairy kid, but then I realized the ugly hairy kid was a Pomeranian.

"You wheel around your dog?" I asked.

"Yes, walking is so hard on her little legs," the woman said.

"She's a dog. That's why she has four legs."

"But she is such a precious baby!" she countered.

I didn't say anything further because spittle had started to form around her mouth (the woman's not the dog's) and her eyes began to twitch, and well, she started to scare me, so I backed away from those people and left the store hoping that before they decide to produce a human child, they get their mental states checked by some kind of expert.

Soon after the stroller encounter, I discovered that those pet owners were not an oddity. No, many pet owners have jumped on the dog stroller bandwagon. Sometimes, when I have my dogs at the park and a dog stroller family comes bopping along, my own pooches look at me with eyes that say,

"Hey, what the hell is wrong with you? We want wheels too! How come we have to walk?"

I try to explain to my pooches the importance of a good daily cardio workout, but it's difficult for them to believe me when they see the pretty sparkly canine carriages with the anti-mosquito netting pass by us on the walking paths.

After I accepted the pet stroller's popularity, I had to wonder what the new next great pet product would be. Well, I wonder no longer. While talking with another pet owner the other day, I learned about Neuticles. What are Neuticles? Well, hold on because your mouth is going to drop open.

Neuticles are testicular implants for dogs that have been neutered.

Yep, if you the owner of a male dog and you are worried about the emotional impact that neutering will have on your dog, you can purchase Neuticals. Ranging in price from $94 for a generic set to $1,799 for a custom-fitted pair, Neuticals are designed to have the look and feel of the real - um, what shall I say here? Package. Yes, package is a good word.

Now, you can get your male dog's testicles whacked and not feel the guilt of taking away his manhood. Oops, sorry for that imagery. I know how sensitive men are when it comes to any kind of injury afflicting their best friends below the belt. Yes, veterinarians can now make it so Fido can get "fixed" but still have a visible pair to show the world. While not all vets have embraced the use of Neuticals regarding the implant procedure as unnecessary surgery, other vets have taken the ball-so to speak -- and run with it, because it might make owners less squeamish about getting their male dog neutered.

I can hear what women are saying. "This is a typical male response to neutering. Go anyway near a man's boys or his dog's boys and they fall apart like babies."

Yes, it's true that men have a particularly difficult time getting their male dogs neutered. They truly empathize with their dog's pain, and they project their own fear at losing their packages onto their dogs, but guess what, Ladies? The predominant buyers of Neuticals are women. Yep, women are the ones who are lining up their male dogs for the cosmetic procedure. They might not have a problem with their dogs losing their manhood, but they don't want to know that they were responsible for the loss and what's more important is that they don't want to see nothing where something used to be.

Who knew that women could be so sensitive about that area! I guess that dispels the old adage that size doesn't matter--well, on a dog anyway.