Everything I Know, I Learned from Waitressing

Everything I have needed to know in life I have learned from being a waitress. OK, not entirely true. I learned other things elsewhere, I suppose! But it seems working in a restaurant for 10 years has given me knowledge i may not have learned elsewhere.

Constant movement does not always equal weight loss. Although you would certainly think it would, wouldn't you? I remember when i first started serving. I wasn't used to being on my feet for so long and doing so much running. I managed to lose 10 ponds in 2 weeks. And promptly plateaued there. Nowadays, I can work an 8 hour shift, run around like a maniac, log in about 5 to 6 miles between kitchen/bar/restaurant, and GAIN 2 lbs. I think just looking at the food has a fattening effect on me. Yeah, thats it.

I am a better actress than those on Broadway. No, really. I was taught a tip a long time ago, "pretend you are an actress playing a scene." It works. I typically launch into cheesy, delirious happiness as I talk to my tables. My voice goes up three octaves. I laugh at their corny jokes that half the time don't make sense. I make sure my teeth are brilliant so I can beam idiotic smiles at my customers. Yet I do it all with such style and practice you'd never know I was faking and think you're a big dork-head! Little known fact-your waitress or waiter is not really that happy. The smile drops as soon as we're out of sight.

Most people are, well, dumb. And before "you" get offended, let me say I don't mean YOU. I mean everyone else, OK? Anyway, don't come into an Italian restaurant and complain that we serve mostly Italian dishes. Don't be mad at ME because you have to put money in the meter outside(run by the town, not us!) If I ask if you'd like a drink, that does not mean I am only offering alcoholic beverages, a "drink" can mean water, soda, coffee, and the like. If the menu description says there is an ingredient in that item, then yes, its in there. You think we just made it up?

Most people DISLIKE to be carded. OK, I'm 32. I LOVE to be carded when i go out to get a drink or buy a case of beer. That means, said person who is waiting on me, thinks I MAY be 30 years of age or younger. Hence asking to see my ID. Which I happily give. A couple of times I have heard, in surprise as they hand back my driver's license, "Oh, you don't look that old!" So its a backhanded compliment, so what! I'll take it. But it pains me when I ask a kid, who to me looks no older than 12, for their ID. And they huff and puff and get mad because I want to see it. It's the LAW, silly-pants! I don't make the laws, I just try to enforce them! It's not my fault you left your ID in the car! Be happy that I don't think you look 45. (Not that theres anything wrong with that!) If you go out to drink, bring your ID. Period. And don't get mad that I ask for it.

Never make the cook mad. Important! The cook should be your best friend. Or better yet, your lover. At least bribe them periodically! OK, in all honesty, you never make the cooks mad at you if you want your food on time and not altered in some way. Its a major no-no. Ask politely, say your please's and thank-you's, offer them a beer now and again. Life will run much smoother when the cooks like you. Screw them over, and be guaranteed to be shoved to the back of the line.

Alcohol is a must after work. I don't care if you don't drink. If you're going to be serving the public food, you better learn quick. Number One: After a hyper-crazy, long, busy shift, a cold beer will go down like your a dehydrated survivor in the desert sun. Number Two: The shot that goes with it will calm your nerves that will be on overload no matter how late in the night. Number Three: Regular patrons at whatever bar you happen to frequent after work will usually take pity on you and buy you drinks. Number Four: Good opportunity to buy your cook a drink (See above.) Just try not to spend all your tips in one place.

Buy decent shoes. Scrimp on the pants. Do what you have to do if your low on cash, but buy a decent pair of work shoes. Pad them with insoles. Wear cushy socks. You and your feet need to become one, so do them a favor and outfit them well. I promise, they will thank you for it later.

Serving is a hard job, but I have gotten alot out of it. Stay tuned for more of everything I've learned!