Evil Server's Dictionary of Waitstaff Terminology

Automatic Gratuity (Auto-Grat.) (n): A tip which is automatically added to the bill as part of the total. This tip may be 15%, 18% or 20%, depending on the restaurant. And it may be added for various reasons, such as an abnormally large party size.

Back-of-house (n, or adj.): The back of the house refers to areas, people, and shady dealings that guests are not privy to (luckily for them). This would include the kitchen, managers, administrators, auditors, and the employee bathroom. I say again, guests are fortunate not to know of these things.

Bartender (n): The person who pours and mixes people's alcoholic beverages. It is interesting to note that while bartenders usually wear the same uniform as the rest of the waitstaff, they are almost always treated with significantly greater respect. Bartenders are often addressed with affectionate familiarity, as if they and the customer are old buddies. This may be a result of the addict/dealer dynamic.

Bastard/Bee-yotch (n ): Names for difficult male and female customers, respectively, as canonized by the movie Waiting... These are the people who are unreasonably rude or demanding, and tend to complain about everything. Actually, "complain" is too kind of a word. What they really do is make cheap, snipey shots at a server's expense to make themselves feel big. The general consensus is that there are more bee-yotches than there are bastards. I'm not sure why this is.

Books, the (n): The total number of people who have made reservations. Used to predict how busy it will be. Ex: "There are 42 on the books for lunch."

Bus (v): To clear dirty dishes off of a table and either wipe it down or change the cloth, and set it up so it can be reseated. See "Turn."

Busser (n): In chain restaurants, like Applebee's, bussers strictly go around with plastic tubs clearing dirty dishes off of tables, and will sometimes reset them. In fancier restaurants, bussers have more duties, such as filling drinks, bringing bread, offering desserts, etc. In such venues, they are often called Assistant Servers or Server Assistants, and are next in line to become servers themselves.

Camper(s) (n): People who hang around at their tables long after they're done eating. This is common among elderly patrons having reunions, and chatty post-menopausal women, who can literally sit for hours drinking coffee while talking. This irritates servers because the campers are taking up tables in their sections, but more so because it can prevent them from being able to cash out and leave.

Card (v): The act of asking a suspiciously young person for I.D. when they try to order alcohol. It's one of the few times that a server can safely assert him or herself without getting in trouble, as the penalties for serving alcohol to underage persons are so serious. The more nervous the carded guest seems, the more stern and forceful the server can be, and the more sadistic pleasure (s)he can take when they stammer that they "left it in the car."

Comedian (n): A guest, often an older man, who thinks he's exceedingly clever and charismatic, and proceeds to start firing off little jokes at his server's expense every time the poor guy or gal gets within ten feet of the table. This usually takes the form of cracks about the server's name, uniform or demeanor, or "fake" complaints about food that they are actually enjoying. While it may be intended as a bit of fun, these guys are thoroughly obnoxious and insulting.

Count (n): The total number of people who have made reservations. See "Books."

Cover(s) (n): The overall number of people a server waits on during the course of a shift. Ex: "I'm behind on covers; that table should have been mine."

Crop Duster (n): A maneuver in which a server who doesn't like a table walks by really fast while silently farting.

Crunch Time (n): The busiest stretch during a shift, when the most people come in. Ex: "According to the reservation book, the crunch time is between noon and one o'clock."

Cut (v): The act of letting a server go home before the shift is over. Ex: "I have a doctor appointment, can I be cut before noon?"

Dishwasher(s) (n): Obviously, these are the people who wash dirty dishes. In my experience, they seldom speak English, and pretty much keep to themselves. Some of them also seem really bitter and nasty, sometimes throwing dishes back at waitstaff or spraying them with their little hoses.

Double-Seat (v): The act of giving a server two tables simultaneously, or in very rapid succession, without seating another section in between. This may be caused by a staff shortage, customers requesting specific tables, or just careless hosting. It generally creates a strain, as a server will have to move double-time to get drinks and tell specials in a timely fashion. The problem is exacerbated if an unlucky server is "triple-sat" or even "quadruple-sat."

Double-Tip (n or v): The holy of holies when serving. This is when a server gets an automatic gratuity on a large table, and the party still leaves money on top of that, whether or not they mean to. This doesn't happen very often.

Drop (v): While we do literally drop stuff all the time, accidentally and otherwise, this is slang for "deliver." Ex: "Drop the check;" "Drop the food on table 10," etc.

Eighty-Six (v): A slang term that basically means "we're out of something, so let people know, and don't offer it anymore." Ex: "Eighty-six the fish!" Less often, this term can be applied to the process of banning a customer from returning to an establishment.

Expo (n): A person working in the kitchen who inspects food before it goes out, and applies finishing touches, like garnish. Sometimes synonymous with "Food Runner."

"Extra Special Care" (n): See "Tamper."

Fire (v): In some situations, the kitchen waits for this command (ex: "Fire table 12!") to actually begin cooking the food, if there are multiple courses involved.It's also what managers do to inept employees.

Five-Second-Rule (n): The tongue-in-cheek notion that food dropped on the kitchen floor is not tainted as long as it hasn't been there for more than five seconds. Made popular by the movie Waiting... Can be stretched into the "ten-second-rule," "five-minute-rule," or conceivably any length of time, as the situation demands.

Floor, the (n): Not just any floor, but the dining room floor, where guests are seated. When out on the floor, certain standards of behavior are expected, as well as a certain degree of "game face."

Food Runner (n): A person working in the kitchen who gets everything together for a table's order, and trays it up. If a server is busy, he or she may take the tray out on the floor and even serve the food.

Foreigner(s) (n): As one might expect, these are people from other (most often European) countries. At the risk of sounding xenophobic, they can often be unpleasant to wait on. For one thing, the language and context barrier can make things tough. Broken English and thick accents can lead to misunderstandings. In some cases, these tables may display an unsettling awkwardness or outright hostility for no apparent reason. And perhaps the most important reason at the end of the day is that they will sometimes not tip, or leave a dollar or two on a substantial bill. After all, in parts of Europe and Asia, servers are paid respectable wages, and it might even be considered an insult to tip them. Although most of us surmise that these visitors know our tipping practices damn well, but just don't care.

Front-of-house (n, or adj.): The opposite of back-of-house, this refers to the people and areas that are available to the public, like the dining room, servers, bartenders and hostesses.

Game Face (n.): Essentially, the fake smiles and enthusiasm that servers must wear when dealing with guests, no matter what problems they may be dealing with in their personal lives. This sometimes feels like wearing a mask, and can be every bit as hurtful as it sounds.

Gratuity (n): See "Tip"

Guest(s) (n): People who eat at the restaurant. This term is gaining popularity over the word "customers," the idea being that the staff should treat these people with the hospitality they would show guests in their own homes. Which is kind of disturbing.

Hostess (n): A (usually) young and attractive woman whose job it is to answer the phones, take reservations, and direct people to their tables. While good hostesses have a method to their madness, others seat mercilessly, and seemingly at random, without any regard for equality of "covers," or a server's current stress level or workload.

"In a bit of a hurry..." (adj.): Some guests say that they are "in a bit of a hurry", thinking that this will put them at the top of the priority list, and somehow make their food magically take less time to cook. And often, they aren't really in a hurry at all. Folks, if your plane is leaving in ten minutes, there's really no way I can make your well-done steak and extra crispy fries come up in five. Sorry.

In The Weeds (adj.): A condition of being overwhelmed, swamped, with too much to do and too little time. This is usually the result of a sudden rush of tables. In this scenario, a server usually gets behind, which causes guests to become angry. Often the kitchen gets backed up, leading to longer waits. Not a pretty situation.

Lifer (n): Someone who has been serving too long. In some cases, lifers may have started waiting tables in their youth, seeing it as a viable source of income while attending school. As lifers continue serving over the years, they will often find their optimism and youth draining away. Most of the lifers I've known have become shifty, horrible, greedy people, obsessed with money and completely apathetic to their coworkers. Lifers will often abuse drugs and alcohol. Physically, they will eventually suffer from such service-related maladies as back problems and fallen arches. Beware the dark side, young servers. Your job is an insidious one.

Line (n): An area of the kitchen in which hot items are cooked. The line is almost always comprised of several stations, where different cooks are working on different things, which can be put together to form the complete entrée - like an assembly line.

Manager (n): The boss, to members of the waitstaff. Their overall function is to make sure things go smoothly in a restaurant. These guys wear suits, make the schedule, order stuff, hold meetings, fire people, and handle guest complaints, usually in an embarrassingly spineless and submissive manner. They usually answer directly to the owner... usually in an embarrassingly spineless and submissive manner. While they may have formerly been waitstaff, they are now company men, on paper at least. Sometimes they're cool, and sometimes they're total bastards. And sometimes they change from one to the other at a moment's notice. You just never know.

Menu (n): A list of all the stuff that can be prepared for you at a restaurant. Although for some, these items are merely suggestions. They'll request custom dishes, made from scratch, with absolutely no prior notice, often leading to heated confrontations between kitchen and waitstaff.

Pantry (n): An area of the kitchen at which cold items are prepared, such as salads, sandwiches, and sometimes desserts.

Pre-Shift (n): Brief staff meetings held before a shift begins, in which waitstaff and managers discuss daily specials, reservations, and general news and feedback.

"Real Job" (n): Basically, any job besides serving. Something respectable, perhaps behind a desk. Something that doesn't require a dopey uniform or a fake smile. Most of all, something that doesn't force one to prostrate oneself before the public. Most servers want to get a real job so they don't turn into "lifers."

Red Hat Ladies (n): The Red Hat society appears to be a sinister cult made up of older women who don laughable red and purple outfits and hideous feather boas. They don't do anything altruistic or charitable, they just socialize and have tea parties, and make restaurant employees hate life. According to research, only women over 50 can wear the red hats. Those younger are considered initiates, and must wear pink hats. Whether they are abused or humiliated by their older superiors is unknown. Also, each chapter is headed by a "queen," who can probably be identified by an even more ridiculous getup than the others. It's been my experience that these ladies will arrive in large flocks, ignore waitstaff trying to take orders, take forever to look over the menu, split a bunch of items, complain about the temperature and texture of everything, sit around drinking coffee for hours until they're the only ones left in the dining room, then finally demand separate checks (with certain items split between multiple checks), regardless of what a restaurant's policy on separate checks for large tables may be. And if said checks are not produced immediately, they will complain and ask what's taking so long. Despite the fact that they just spent the last three hours sitting around cackling like the witches from MacBeth. They'll all pay cash, and they'll all want change. And if you're lucky, you may limp away from the whole sad experience with two dollars from each lady. If you're lucky. But you probably won't be.Watch out.

Regular (n): A person that comes in to eat at the same restaurant all the time. Which is OK if they're nice. But often they aren't. In fact, they usually expect special treatment, and expect servers to know all their little idiosyncrasies, and be able to anticipate their every whim. Then they suck, and their presence contributes even more to the ever-present feeling of being in the movie Groundhog Day.

Rotation (n): A system of alternating seating between different servers' sections, to keep the number of "covers" roughly equal, and to prevent servers from being double or triple-seated and overwhelmed.

Rush (n): A sudden onslaught of people that all come in at once, as if dispatched by a surgical strike team. Think of the scene where the sentinels breach the human stronghold in Matrix Revolutions, only with fewer explosions and less cool CGI work. This often leads to every table in a server's section suddenly being full, which, in turn, leads to the servers being "in the weeds."

Scooped (adj.): The way assholes order their bagels, apparently. Scooping involves digging or "scooping" out the inside of the bagel so only the outside husk remains, before toasting. According to one guest, this method makes the bagel "Just crunchy and wonderful!" The process creates extra, dehumanizing work for the unfortunate server. Yes, I actually had someone make me do this once. I still can't believe it.

Server (n): A person who waits tables as a profession. His or her duties include, but are not limited to, bringing drinks, answering questions, taking food and drink orders, delivering food, cleaning tables, fighting with the kitchen, trying to track down high-ranking chefs to answer obscure menu questions, and generally serving as the scapegoat and punching bag of guests who bring their problems into the restaurant with them. Servers are paid a paltry hourly wage, and depend on gratuity to make ends meet. Judging by some guests' behavior, servers apparently belong to a lower, subhuman taxonomic branch that can only understand snide remarks and frantic, exaggerated hand gestures. And apparently, servers sometimes have the power to turn completely invisible.

Sidework (n): The chores that waitstaff members must do in addition their regular serving duties. Depending on the restaurant, these chores may range from simple tasks like stocking dishes and folding napkins to scrubbing down kitchen equipment.

Seat/Sit/Sat (v): The present and past tenses of a hostess's duty - to escort people to their tables. Ex: "You got sat." Yes, it's grammatically incorrect. I've heard very few people genteel enough to use the proper English "you've been seated." It just sounds weird. And it takes an extra half second or so to say. This isn't friggin' Victorian England, OK?

Slammed (adj.): Used to describe a restaurant being very busy, perhaps even too busy. Ex: "The bar got slammed yesterday!"

Snot Rocket (n): The result of closing off one nostril with a finger, then blowing something gross out the other. One of the chefs in the movie Waiting...almost did this. As a method of food tampering, this would be fairly hard to get away with, unless the dish in question had a heavy sauce.

Split (v): Literally, to divide. Customers will often want their food split up in the kitchen, and this usually carries a small extra charge. Customers will also want their checks split, which can be a frustrating and time-consuming logistical nightmare for the server, like those story problems from hell on the S.A.T.

Stagger (v): The act of spacing out orders so the kitchen doesn't become flooded and overwhelmed. This is extremely useful during a "rush." This can be done by taking several orders at the same time, but waiting a few minutes between sending them through, or simply by holding off on taking a table's order, if they don't seem to be in a hurry. Hostesses are usually supposed to stagger seating, as well.

Station (n): A section of a dining area for which a server is responsible. Could also refer to a cook's work area in the kitchen.

Stiff (v): The act of not tipping a server, or leaving such a low tip that they may as well have left nothing. This is considered to be a fairly serious insult by waitstaff; it could theoretically end up costing a server money, if the stiffing guest ordered alcohol, since the server may end up having to tip out the bartender out of his own pocket.

Suspension (n): Being taken off of the schedule for a designated amount of time. This is a common penalty for servers who misbehave or underperform. A server may view suspension as a punishment or a surprise vacation, depending on his or her financial situation.

Table Hog (n): A greedy server who tries endlessly to secure the most and best tables for him or herself to make the maximum amount of money. These backstabbing characters have no qualms about resorting to trickery and unscrupulous behavior to fatten their wallets.

Tamper (v): Since servers can't argue or fight back without losing their jobs, they will sometimes turn to the dark side and deal with insults and shoddy treatment through the passive-aggressive act of doing things to customers' food. This could include just about anything, including spitting in food, dropping it on the floor, even bringing the food in contact with a person's genitals (see "teabag"). Generally, this is not done to harm the recipient as much as it is to achieve a kind of "moral victory." The law carries a multi-count felony for food tampering, and treats it somewhat like an attempted poisoning, hence the need for stealth and discretion.

Teabag (n): A small, paper envelope containing ground up herbs or tea leaves, commonly added to boiling water to make hot tea. But their use doesn't end there. The wet teabags, when thrown with enough force, will adhere to almost any surface, even ceilings. This looks especially classy if the tag hangs down.

Teabag (v): This one won't be easy to put delicately. This is a method of food tampering in which a male pulls down his pants, then either pushes the food up towards his crotch, or lowers his body down in such a way that his testicles make contact with the food. Kind of like dunking teabags in hot water. Get it?

Ticket time (n): The amount of time it takes for food to be ready after the order is punched in or "fired."

Tip (n or v): Though it's unconfirmed, some say that the word is an acronym for "to insure promptness." As a noun, this is the money left for a server after paying the bill. As a verb, it is the act of leaving said money. It forms the major part of a server's income, as servers only make a few dollars an hour. A person is free to tip as he or she sees fit. After a bad dining experience, one might be inclined not to tip at all. But generally, 10% of the bill, while once standard, is now considered to be pretty bad. 15% is average, but not great. 20% is good, and anything above that is icing on the cake.

Tip-Out (v): When a server pays out a portion of his tips to other employees. Most often, a server will pay a pre-determined percentage to his busser and to the bartender. In some places, a small percentage will go to the hosts and the kitchen staff.

-Top (n): A prefix attached to a number that denotes how many people are sitting at a table. Hence a 3-top would have 3 people, a 17-top would have 17 people, and so on.

Trojan Horse Technique (n): This is where a table comes in at the last minute before closing, and says they'll have a couple more people joining them. Once they're situated, the absent people will basically be free to join at any time, and still be served, thus infuriating the kitchen and waitstaff.

Turn (v): To clear and reset a table for the next occupants. Can be used interchangeably with "Bus," except that when someone tells a server to turn a table, it usually means the next occupants are already there and waiting, so there is more urgency.

Upsell (V): Convincing someone to order a more expensive menu item. Asking a guest if they'd like chicken or shrimp on their nachos is an attempted upsell, because the nachos cost more that way.

Verbal Tip (n): The apparent belief that a flattering complement to a server negates the need to leave an adequate monetary gratuity. Ex:

Guest: "Everything was wonderful, good job, thank you so much!"

Server (to self): "Greeeat. If I get ten percent, I'll be lucky."

V.I.P. (n): An acronym for "very important person." In other words, someone you'd better take good care of, or else. It could be the owner, a "local celebrity," a small-time politician, or just about anyone with the money to indulge his or her delusions of grandeur.

Wait Station (n): A small area designated for waitstaff, usually off of the dining area, and usually containing condiments, soft drinks, silverware, and glassware. It often contains a touch-screen computer, which will either freeze up, or not send orders to the kitchen when it gets really busy. This is because these computers are distant cousins of HAL 9000.

Walk-in (n): 1. A large, room-sized refrigerator and freezer where perishable goods are stored. 2. A party that shows up without having made a reservation.

Window, the (n): A shelf where food is placed when it is done cooking. The food sits under a heat lamp so it doesn't get cold sitting there until a server picks it up to deliver it. When food has been sitting under the heat lamp for too long, it gets dried out and gross, and is described as "dying in the window," at least where I work.

Wine Snob(s) (n): These arrogant jerks have the same enthusiasm for wine that many kids have for Pokémon. They ask endless questions about the wine list and are usually quite critical of the selection and of the wine itself. And they manage to be rude and condescending throughout their meal.They do a lot of derisive snorting, and toss around words like "tannins," "varietal," and "malolactic fermentation." And the best part is, sometimes they don't even know what the hell they're talking about, they're just trying to appear sophisticated. For a good example of a wine snob, see Paul Giamatti's character in the film Sideways.

Write-up (n): A written warning/demerit which misbehaving servers (and other employees) may be threatened with. You only get a few of these before being fired, so watch yourself.