Excerpt from Secrets of a Kept Woman: A Novel

As I paused to take a moment to digest the sensual and alluring ambiance I'd set for the evening, the question pounded into my head like a meat cleaver. The strongest thud pulsating against my temple sent a pang from my head through my body and that pain took up residence in my heart, piercing my already tattered soul. My mind raced pondering a million and two questions.

"How could he do me like this, again? How could I let him? What had we come to? Where were we going?"

I asked the questions to no one in particular. I was all alone. Again.

"Why do I love so hard that I can't let go?"

I couldn't pin down the moment in time that the insatiable joy left our relationship, but that joy had slipped away from our beautiful home into a faint trace of existence.

Positioned in the middle of the jumbo gazebo in the backyard, the Jacuzzi flowed with warm bubbly water scented with a touch of jasmine oil. Dim post lighting outlined the gazebo creating a glowing allure that could take a lover's breath away. Pink floating candles shone brightly at the four corners of the gazebo and an assortment of designer candles meticulously placed around the Jacuzzi added just the right effect.

E-lec-tri-city was in the air and I was proud to have successfully turned my backyard into a lover's paradise. I anticipated a beautiful night with him.

Well, that was all the way up until the champagne got hot, the gourmet shrimp fettuccini I slaved over making to perfection got cold, and every bubble in the Jacuzzi fizzled down to faint traces of soap scum.

What was supposed to be a night of fiery unyielding passion had turned into a night of me, myself and I. I could have screamed when I realized all of the work that I put in to make this night magical was in vain. Instead of screaming I decided to call my best friend, Rhonda, the only person that I could vent with at the moment.

"Ronnie, this negro has done it again!"

"Girl, don't start. What is it now?"

"He stood me up, a-gain. That's what."

"Oh. Really?"

"Just straight pushed me to the back like some kind of second class wife. He is not even answering his cell, now."

As I spoke the words to Ronnie, my sister from another mother, I fought back a lone tear that kept threatening to break out of its prideful prison and roll freely from the corner of my eye down my cheek.

If I wasn't wearing his platinum and diamond ring on my ring finger, I would have to know that I was just some sideline ho vying for his attention.

Aside from the ring and living in his main home, that's how I felt. The simple thought of being played to the left by the man that held my heart cut deep to the core. He hadn't been home in weeks, he hadn't made love to me in over a month, and I hadn't had a meaningful conversation with him in just as many days. It had been three days ago when he called to make tonight's broken promise.

"I can't believe I let myself fall for his lies again, Ronnie. He doesn't even respect me enough to show up when he makes plans with me."

My gaze dropped slightly and my spirit dampened more, I added, "I mean, who am I kidding? He rarely comes home and when he does it's for less than an hour or two at a time. I don't know how much longer I can take this."

"Hang in there sister," Ronnie encouraged.

"I love him like sliced bread, Ronnie, and you know that, but I can't continue on like this. I will not sit around here waiting for him night after night as my clock ticks out. I'm twenty eight years old and I am not getting any younger. Before you know it, this diva will be the big 3-0."

Seemingly not addressing Titus on purpose, Rhonda gave a valiant but unsuccessful attempt at cheering me up. With a smile in her voice she said, "Well, look at the bright side girl. Thirty is the new twenty."

"I ain't ever fell for that trick. Thirty is not the new twenty. Girl, go check that mirror one more time. You and I, we look twenty eight."

Just the mention of my age made me feel worse. I was not getting any younger. Having spent so many years with a man that didn't know how precious time was and the fact that I was not living according to my dreams added at least five years to my age.

At that point, I was unable to fight back that tear any longer. It received freedom as it drizzled down my right cheek and fell onto the carpeted floor, alongside my pride and self respect. If my father could see me now, he would be so disappointed.

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