Exclusive Interview with Highly-Unacclaimed Romance Novelist, Michelle Grebo

Maria Roth: Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Michelle.

Michelle Grebo: What's that thing you're holding?

MR: I'm recording everything we say.

MG: Everything?

MR: Yes.

MG: I'd feel better if you didn't.

MR: Oh...Well, I think I should. This is my first big interview for Associated Content, and I'd hate to misquote you.

MG: Fine. Are you sure you're holding it the right way? You're not very good with electronics.

MR: Uh. I think...Yeah, it's okay.

MG: Your neighbor is really hot.

MR: The firefighter? I hadn't noticed.

MG: Whatever. Let's get out your binoculars and go back to Zach's room.

MR: I'm supposed to be interviewing you! Why would we go back to Zach's room?

MG: Because if you stand on Zach's bed and aim the binoculars out his window, at the window above the firefighter's patio, sometimes you can catch a glimpse of his--

MR: I guess it couldn't hurt to continue the interview in Zach's room. The light is better back there.

MG: Do you know his name?

MR: Whose name?

MG: The firefighter's!

MR: No. He looks like a "Scott," though.

MG: Oh. I was thinking "Brad."

MR: Now, back to the interview.

MG: Wait until I'm up on the bed. Hand me the binoculars. Quick!

MR: Careful. Okay. Where were we? Let me check my list of questions.

MG: You're such an amateur.

MR: It's my first interview!

MG: I can't see a thing. What time is it?

MR: I dunno. Seven?

MG: He usually takes a shower after he gets home from work.

MR: Why don't you put the binoculars down and--

MG: There! I see him!

MR: For real?

MG: (snickering) No.

MR: You're evil.

MG: Let's hurry up and do this interview before Dan and the kids get back. I can look through the binoculars and answer your lame questions at the same time.

MR: My questions aren't lame.

MG: Prove it.

MR: Okay. Here's a good one: How old are you?

MG: What? Something's wrong with my ears.

MR: How much do you weigh?

MG: I can easily crack your skull open with these binoculars.

MR: Oh, yeah? And I can easily throw you out of my house. Go and find someone else's basement to live in, rent-free, why don'tcha!

MG: Calm down. I'm roughly 130 pounds.

MR: Roughly.

MG: Yep.

MR: And roughly 25 years old?

MG: How'd you know?

MR: Gimme a break. We went to high school together.

MG: Aren't you supposed to be asking me about my writing?

MR: How many times have your manuscripts been rejected?

MG: Do you have a calculator handy?

MR: No.

MG: Multiply 59 manuscripts times 498 editors or literary agents.

MR: That can't be right.

MG: I swear.

MR: But that's almost 30,000 rejections.

MG: Why do you think I gave up writing?

MR: I think most people would've given up a lot sooner than you...after, say, 1000 rejections.

MG: Well, I've never been like "most people."

MR: You can say that again.

MG: What about your manuscript?

MR: I don't know what you're talking about.

MG: The one in the box under your bed. Your novel? Took you a year to write? Ring any bells?

MR: This interview isn't about me.

MG: You had, what, 25 rejections, and you're already ready to quit.

MR: But I'm writing at Associated Content now.

MG: And getting paid diddlysquat for it.

MR: I'm going to write another novel. But not right now.

MG: Don't give up.

MR: I haven't given up.

MG: Oh, would ya cheer up and ask me another question?

MR: What's your favorite novel?

MG: Out of the ones I've written, or out of all the ones I've ever read?

MR: Both.

MG: My favorite one of mine is Two Screws for a Penny.

MR: Is that the one about the discount hardware store in Milwaukee?

MG: No. It's about a girl named Penny.

MR: (Giggling)

MG: I like your hair like that.

MR: Thanks. So what's your favorite novel all-time?

MG: Gone With the Wind.

MR: Nice.

MG: I tried writing an epic Civil War romance of my own, but it didn't turn out so hot. People kept dying and stuff.

MR: That sucks.

MG: Doesn't matter. I've given up writing; I'm a painter now.

MR: How's your latest oil painting coming along?

MG: Fairly well. I need Randolph to come back and pose for me again. I think my original sketch is a little...exaggerated.

MR: I don't really approve of all those male models spending so much time in my basement, naked. I mean, what if one of my kids wandered downstairs in the middle of one of your...sessions?

MG: I already told you--they're not entirely naked. You're such a prude.

MR: Is Randolph the guy with the braided goatee?

MG: No. That's Joseph.

MR: Oh.

MG: I give up. Our firefighter is a no-show.

MR: He's actually not all that hot when you see him up close. He's too short.

MG: You're married.

MR: I know.

MG: He's tall enough for me.

MR: I'm going to officially conclude this interview now. Any final thoughts?

MG: Thanks for letting me stay in your basement. Does it bother you that I've been spying on the firefighter out your son's bedroom window?

MR: Let's just pretend this never happened.

MG: I don't know what we were just talking about.

MR: My mind is blank.

MG: Mine too.

MR: Michelle?

MG: What?

MR: I don't know how to turn this stupid thing off.

MG: Push the red button.

MR: I don't see a red button.

MG: I don't know. It'll turn off on its own, eventually.

MR: Maybe I'll just take the batteries out.

MG: Won't you get electrocuted if you take the batteries out while it's still turned on?

MR: God, I don't know. I hope not. Now I'm too scared to try it.

MG: He's home! He just turned on the kitchen light.

MR: I'm not looking.

MG: He must've had a rough day, 'cause he's already taking his shirt off.

MR: I know you're lying.

MG: Hello! Those American flag boxer shorts are too cute!

MR: Any tattoos?

MG: Wouldn't you like to know! Come up here!

MR: No way.

MG: I think he's going upstairs. Shower time!

MR: Good for him. Show's over. Give me the binoculars.

MG: Noooooo.

MR: C'mon, Michelle.

MG: I haven't had sex in eight years, okay?

MR: I don't care. What if he sees you and calls the cops? They're probably all friends of his since he's a firefighter.

MG: You're such a goody-goody.

MR: I said GIVE ME THE BINOCULARS!

Dan (Maria's husband): What's going on back here?

Zach (Maria's son): Hi, Mommy. Why's Auntie Michelle standing on my bed?

MG: Hey, Zach! I'm just doing a little bird-watching.

Zach: Oh.

MR: See any woodpeckers yet?

MG: I wish.

Dan: What are you doing with my digital voice recorder?

MR: I was recording our interview. Now I'm done, and can't figure out how to stop recording.

Dan: You're pathetic. It's this little button right here--

Maria Roth has posted excerpts from two of Michelle Grebo's unpublished romance novels at Associated Content. To read excerpts from Daphne's Sweet Secret, click here. To read excerpts from He Was More Hillbilly Than Vampire, click here. Maria plans to attempt another interview with Michelle at a later date--no binoculars allowed.