Exclusive! My Interview with John McCain and Barack Obama

As the 2008 Presidential election nears, Americans are finding it more and more difficult to get straight answers from the candidates. Recently, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to interview both Senators McCain and Obama and would like to share that interview with you. After reading this, I trust that you will feel better qualified to make that important decision when you are standing in the voting booth this coming November. Just consider this my little way of helping America decide.

Me: First, I would like to thank both of you for taking the time to meet with me today.

McCain: Where am I?

Obama: I am grateful for the opportunity to tell Americans once again that I represent change--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: You have both experienced problems with your association with outspoken clergymen who have made inflammatory statements. What have you done to distance yourselves from these crazy nutballs?

McCain: My wife Cindy has blond hair and is very pretty.

Obama: I have changed ministers. I think all of us here in America want change--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: Senator McCain, despite the fact that he has an approval rating of a mere 27 per cent, you have welcomed the endorsement of President Bush. Don't you fear that Americans will view you as possibly being just as dimwitted as he is?

McCain: I...I'm sorry...President who?

Me: Bush...George W. Bush...goes by "Dubya." Heard of him?

McCain: (bewildered look) No, I...uh...I can't place him. Sorry.

Me: Never mind. We'll just move on.

Me: Senator Obama. You have said many times that you represent change. Can you explain exactly what you mean by that?

Obama: Why yes. I think Americans want change--Change We Can Believe In. That's what I am about--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: Can you expound on that?

Obama: Certainly. It is time for change in America--Change We Can Believe In. And that is what I plan to do. Bring America Change We Can Believe In.

Me: OK...we'll move on. Senator McCain, your age seems to be an issue that keeps coming up. After all, most people your age are dead, and...well...I really don't have a question. I just wanted to point that out.

McCain: Zzzzzzzz.

Me: Senator McCain? Hey, could somebody give Gramps a nudge over there?

Me: Senator Obama, some pundits have pointed out your lack of ability as a bowler--I believe your score was something like a pitiful 36. The concern, of course, is that you may be a total embarrassment for all Americans at the annual G8 Summit Ten-Pin Tournament. What do you have to say to your detractors?

Obama: I think what this country needs is change--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: What the crap does that have to do with your bowling abilities? Please just answer the question!

Obama: Americans are tired of the same old rhetoric. What they want is change--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: How about the fist bump between you and your wife Michelle? Some of your critics have suggested that it indicates that you two may be terrorists planning to bring down America from within.

Obama: The fist bump is merely our way of saying that Americans want change--Change We Can Believe In.

Me: Why am I not surprised by your answer? Anyway, back to Senator McCain. Senator, there has been much talk about... What's that smell? Does anyone else smell that?

McCain: Grrrrr...ahhhh!!!

Me: Oh Christ! I think he just crapped his pants. Can we get Mrs. McCain over here to change Grandpa's diaper?

Obama: Yes, change! That is what Americans want! Change We Can Believe In.

Me: Oh would you please shut up!