Excuses for Missing Work

* I have an awful case of diarrhea and have had to sit on the john for the past three hours. In fact, I'm still there as we speak. It seems I have run out of toilet paper and now have to wait for my roommate to return from work so she can go out and buy me some.

* I ate a bean burrito for dinner last night and now my farts stink so bad my dog runs to the front door every time I let one rip. For the sake of my co-workers, it may be best that I not expose them to such toxic fumes.

* I accidentally swallowed a sleeping pill instead of my birth control pill this morning. Now I am wobbling all over the place and can't remember how to get to work.

* My roommate cooked a pig in the crockpot all night and it stunk up the entire apartment. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach.

* I slipped on a banana skin and fell into a huge pile of dog poo as I was walking to the metro this morning. Since I was wearing my only clean outfit, I had to go back home and run three laundry cycles to get rid of the stain and the smell.

* My cat fell from my fourth-floor window. He wasn't moving for a minute, so I panicked and tried to give her mouth-to-mouth, but she was still conscious and bit me hard on the lip. I had to go to the hospital to get some stitches.

* Boss, I am calling you to let you know I won't be able to come into work today, tomorrow or ever. I'm going to commit suicide as soon as I hang up the phone.

* Some kid in the neighborhood played a prank on me and slashed all four of my tires. Now I have to get them all replaced.

* I'm having a mental breakdown. I think I'm going to die! Quick, where's my therapist's number?

* Sir, my privates are itching and burning like hell. I don't think I could wiggle through another day on my office chair. I need to see my gynecologist asap.

* In order to save time and be early for work, I decided to blowdry my hair and wash my face at the same time. Next thing I knew I was in the hospital. The doctors tell me I was electrocuted.

* I screamed so much during sex with my boyfriend last night that I completely lost my voice. I don't think I can come in to answer the phones today. I may need to stay home and rest my vocal chords.

* My dog hid my only pair of shoes somewhere in the apartment and won't tell me where they are. I can't leave the house until I find them.

* There is a huge vicious-looking snake curled up in my shower stall. There's no way I can take a shower with it. I've called animal control, but they said they'd come between 11 am and 3 pm.

* Someone broke into my apartment last night. They took my car keys, my car and my wallet, in which I carried my metro passes.

* I was kidnapped last night. Fortunately I managed to escape a couple of hours ago at 3 pm.

* My doctor thought it best that I stay away from any source of stress for a week.

* I won the lottery yesterday and couldn't wait to spend an entire day shopping.

* I have run out of money for gas and metro expenses. I may need a raise soon.

* I'm calling in sick and tired of my job, boss.

* 3.00 pm. Oops, I thought today was Sunday!

* I'm in Alaska on a cruise. Thought I'd surprise you. It's beautiful out here.

* I have PMS. Post-Murder-Syndrome. You're better off without me today.

* I'm calling in missing. You can call the police but they won't find me.

* I lost my roommate's baby. I can't come to work until I find her or she'll kill me (and I'll have to call in dead tomorrow).

* I can't come into work just yet. My heater is broken and my toes are so frozen stiff I can't get them into my socks.

* My cat hit her head really hard on my bed's headboard when my alarm clock went off this morning. I think I need to take her in for an emergency CAT scan.

* It's such a beautiful day. Can I work from outside?

* I can't come into work today. I seem to have run out of battery. No, not my car. Me.

* All of my underwears are soiled and I haven't done laundry for a month. I may have to stay home and do it all.