Experience Counts in This Case, Right?

I joined a divorce support group in August and suffice it to say it was the best decision I have ever made. Besides having an outlet in which to speak of cares and concerns, to be with others in a similar, seemingly sinking boat, we've been given a great deal of guidance and advice. Even a Crisis Timeline that outlined the various emotions one can expect to go through during a divorce.

The timeline looks something like an elongated letter U, at the left top of the slope is the old lifestyle you are leaving behind as you go through a divorce. This slope immediately falls downward through crisis, denial, fear, anger and bargaining, before hitting the bottom, the lowly Pit.

The Pit is not a fun place to be, trust me. You think about eating a lot of chocolate, but don't, which is not only weird but should be criminal. You walk for miles endlessly and mindlessly, followed by a tug of war with either too much sleep or not enough.

Then the faintest of lights draws you out of the dreaded Pit onto the gradual incline into depression, which is such a slap in the face. You manage to get out of that awful Pit only to be greeted with depression, seriously? At the very least, there should be balloons, streamers and cake here.

Once you get beyond the depression portion of the Crisis Timeline you'll eventually hit acceptance and forgiveness before being able to stand on your own two feet on the other side of that over-stretched letter U which is a whole new lifestyle.

Obviously, everyone is going to be different and there will be times when one will fall back into another emotion, or start back at Point A.

Counselors and therapists say it can take anywhere from a month per year of marriage to get through the turmoil of a divorce. I've also heard the horrific fact sputtered one too many times that it can take as long as five years.

I don't know if experience counts in this case but over the weekend I managed to fight my way to the top of that long letter U to the new lifestyle. Which has left some folks a little worried about this whole divorce thing and me.

How did I get from lowly point A to Zippity-do-dah Z seemingly so quickly?

Well, let me just say it isn't like punching your way out of a paperbag.

You can't talk yourself to the other side.

You certainly can't warp speed on over.

It's all boils down to your heart.

Your heart will let you know when you are ready to move on and when I say move on I don't necessarily mean you are ready to hop, skip and jump into someone else's arms. I mean you are ready to let the past be the past and let the present and the future be yours.

When you start to take a step each and every day that is not wrapped up with the pain, confusion, and general crud of a divorce I'd have to say you are well on top of things.

But don't begrudge yourself the time to heal!

Don't look at a calendar, circle a date and say this is the day when you'll slough off the emotional chains, unless you are as tenaciously stubborn as me. I had made an iron-clad decision to cut my mourning time in half by mentally circling a month and then throwing a dart at a square.

Mind you, I've no aim, whatsoever, so the dart ended up in the wall behind me, so much for even imaginary stubbornness.

Thing is, how each person gets through a divorce is going to be different from the person next door, the gal sitting next to you at your divorce support group, how your mother handled it, or your father.

Trust me, you'll not only get to the other side of that long letter U eventually, but you'll be well aware of it, too.

I can't explain it.

It's a feeling.

Not that I'm some whiz at this or know-it-all, I've just the unfortunate gift of experience.

That counts for something, right?

originally published That's my Opinion October 20, 2010

The mother of two munchkins, Bethany J. Royer is an independent contractor and writer currently studying psychology with Florida Institute of Technology. She is actively seeking a publisher for her first completed novel while working on a memoir about her personal trials and tribulations with divorce. She blogs prolifically at motherofthemunchkins.blogspot.com and can be reached at themotherofthemunchkins@yahoo.com.