Explaining Good People with Bad Habits to Kids

Grandma is warm and loving. She also smokes two packs a day.

Uncle John is a good listener, an innovator and a lot of fun. But he drinks too much.

Tommy's father is a great guy, except when he gets behind the wheel of a car. That's when his angry side comes out, and his driving becomes downright dangerous.

What do you tell the kids?

Self-Preservation Is Priority #1

If any adult presents a potential safety risk to a child in any situation, the child needs to understand that self-preservation is priority #1. The child should never do something that could put his safety at risk to avoid hurting someone's feelings. The extent to which it is a parent versus a child responsibility to protect the child's safety depends upon the child's age.

That said, the child should avoid hurting other people's feelings whenever possible. Kids should know it's not their role to judge or to try to change people. The best way to teach this is to model it.

Compassion

When discussing the perceived or actual faults of others, be compassionate. Grandma may have started smoking long before the health risks were known. She may have become addicted to nicotine before she knew she was endangering herself. Or she may have been young and too immature to believe that getting hooked on smoking was something that could happen to her.

My own father developed such severe health habits from smoking, he ended up with an amputated leg, among other ailments, and he died at 69. For his grandchildren, his experience has been a cautionary tale. Although the grandchildren were saw him smoke (outdoors), 6 of the 7 have shied away from any interest in experimenting with cigarettes after growing up with such intimate knowledge of their danger.

No matter the bad habit, you can teach a child to be compassionate while observing the negative effects of the behavior and avoiding adopting it.

Behavior Is Not the Person

When an adult engages in behavior that you don't want your child to emulate, remember that the behavior is not the person. Teach your child to respect and appreciate the good qualities the person has while avoiding the negatives. Explain to him how hard it is to change bad habits, even when someone is motivated to do so. That's an excellent reason to avoid trying on dysfunctional behaviors in the first place.