Exploration of Soft Boundaries in Relationships

Most people have physical boundaries they establish with others. They are reflected in our need for personal space. We can feel violated if someone stands too close behind us in the grocery line. Most people instinctively know that pushing, hitting, shoving, kicking, slapping, and other touching such as poking, grabbing, groping and tapping are off-limits as they depict a serious physical boundary violation. Meanwhile, other touching such as hugging, stroking, nuzzling, cuddling and tickling may be welcomed as long as the person doing the touching has received explicit permission to do so. Some people also engage in friendly wrestling, but generally attach boundaries to this type of physical contact as well, so as not to inadvertently hurt each other.

Physical boundaries are what I like to think of as hard boundaries. They are tangible and easy to identify when a boundary is crossed. There is no mistaking a punch for a hug and the meaning behind the contact is explicit.

In addition to hard boundaries is what I like to call soft boundaries. Soft boundaries are primarily how we allow others to treat us on an emotional or non-tangible level. Soft boundaries are generally difficult to identify, as they deal more with feelings than anything tangible. Most of us are not born with soft boundaries; we tend to learn these during childhood through exploration and example. As children, we may often make mistakes when interpreting intent, as we are still learning how to communicate with the world around us. Our parents or guardians are often our first foray into the verbal world and we pick up on cues on how to behave and learn what is expected of us from them.

Mental abuse is typically an easily identifiable violation of a soft boundary. However, children are not capable of knowing when they are being mentally abused, so years and years of damage can be done without anyone ever knowing. Screaming, yelling, name-calling, put-downs, and verbal threats are identifiable as mental abuse, yet they leave no physical marks and they may only occur when there are no witnesses, thereby further confounding the recipient of such abuse.

Yet there is another way that soft boundaries can be violated, and this form takes an even more subtle approach. Withholding affection and praise is one subtle way to violate soft boundaries. There is an expected give-and-take between a parent and a child. When a parent withholds praise or does not react in a way the child anticipated to an accomplishment, it sends a message to the child that the child did not live up to the parents' unspoken standards. Other subtle violations include favoring one child over another, not reacting to or participating in events, overreacting to events, and inconsistent reactions to consistent events.

The most difficult part of such subtle violations is that the message being conveyed can be misinterpreted by the child. For example, if a father is self-centered, he may appear to be aloof, cold or otherwise disapproving of the child. The child may go out of her way to live up to what she believes are her father's standards for her and yet still feel as though she is not good enough. If the father continues to be self-centered, the child may grow up and seek out partners who treat her similarly, where she then tries to gain respect from her partner that she never felt she got from her father, thereby completing a circle of learned behavior. If she marries and has children with this partner and continues to seek approval and acceptance, she may appear distant and disapproving to her own children because she is so busy seeking the approval of her spouse. Then her children begin to repeat the circle as well.

Because soft boundaries have no tangible effect, they are difficult to identify and correct. They are not like a punch in the nose. They are much more subtle and therefore the ramifications of a violation are much more devastating. If the violation is grave enough, they can manifest themselves in tangible ways. Overindulging in food, alcohol, drugs and promiscuous behavior are some tangible side effects. Other violations manifest themselves in cutting, self mutilation, physical abuse, eating disorders and even homicide and suicide. While society generally views people who do these things as "bad," most of the behaviors have the same root cause: a violation of a soft boundary (exceptions include mental disorders and chemical imbalances in the brain).

When trying to correct poor soft boundaries in ourselves as adults, it is important to keep in mind that we may never learn the reason behind the way we were treated. In the end it does not matter whether the treatment was caused by a shortcoming in our parent (selfishness) or if the treatment was actually intended to cause pain (malicious). What matters most is identifying behaviors, thoughts and feelings in ourselves that indicate a soft boundary violation and then take steps to strengthen those inner boundaries and reduce unnecessary exposure to pain.