Extending Grace to an Abusive Mother

I always approached Mother's Day with a bit of trepidation. For one thing my mother was always very hard to please and for another thing, she was also one of my abusers.

During the recovery period from childhood sexual abuse, some of the repressed memories that came tumbling out involved both, cooperation and participation in the abuse by my own mother. That fact made Mother's Day a day I would just as soon forget and ignore.

My mother passed away in January, 2007 at age 82. Her passing was difficult as her breathing became more and more labored. I said my "goodbye" to her just shortly before she passed away. There were no tears, no mourning her passing. Similar to the the passing of my abusive father twenty years earlier, I simply accepted my mother's death as a natural occurrence and moved on with my own life.

Now each time Mother's Day approaches, I fully understand that I am under no obligation to think of her or to celebrate the occasion. Perhaps it is in that very freedom that I pause to reflect on this Mother's Day, 2009.

There is still a small part of my heart that wishes my mother had been honest and straight-forward with me about her role in my abuse. Forgiveness was certainly possible and my mother and I could have been much closer than we were in the last years of her life. She refused to talk about it, and clung to her anger and hostility towards me. She was angry because I spoke freely about my abuse, while she preferred to keep everything covered up and buried beneath a facade of denial. I, on the other hand, refused to keep the abuse quiet, not to expose my parents, but rather to help with my own healing and the healing of so many other abuse survivors.

Truth never came from my mother's lips and I was unable to even speak to her about forgiveness. For me to forgive her would mean she had done something wrong and she wasn't about to go there. Forgiveness to her would have been a slap in the face.

Nevertheless, I did forgive her, without saying it to her. She is forgiven. Mother's Day is a time for me to reflect on many things. I could, indeed, choose to focus on the abuse and all the things that were said and done over the years that caused me great pain. Instead, I choose to focus on the heart of a mother.

I am a mother also. I fully understand what it means to love my children. There isn't much I would not do for my sons. They are my very heartbeat. I am always telling my sons that I love them. That is something I never heard from the lips of either of my parents. I would have to say that aside from the sexual abuse and many years of mental and emotional abuse, my mother did the best she could. In spite of the abuse, I do have a number of pleasant memories surrounding my childhood. There were days when things were good and we seemed to be a happy family. I'm careful about saying that because denial is always beckoning to me and I don't want to go there ever again.

Mother's Day, 2009 is not much different for me than previous Mother's Days. I give my mother honor because she was my mother. She gave me life and provided direction to me as I was growing up. She failed me on several levels, but as a mother, I know that I have also fallen very short on occasion. There are no perfect parents and I trust that my sons will extend grace to me, as I extend it to my mother, on this Mother's Day, 2009.

Source: My Life