Facebook Groups: One Million Idiots Can't Be Wrong

Most people have a need to feel like they belong to something. There is a basic human desire to know that there are other folks out there who, for instance, love chocolate, or enjoy watching American Idol, or masturbate every Tuesday at 5:15 pm. It is because of this that clubs and organizations exist by the thousands all over this great land of ours.

If you have a Facebook account, as I do, you have probably joined a number of groups. There are literally thousands of Facebook groups that cover everything from political figures like Barack Obama and Sarah Palin, to entertainers like those pain-in-the-ass Twilight kids, to people who just enjoy pissing in the shower. Many of these groups are created with the intention of finding a million Facebook users who will join and support their cause.

Recently, I did a search on Facebook for groups that are specifically looking for at least a million members and below are some of my findings.

At the top of the list is a group called "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who hate cancer" with more than 1,450,000 members. I'm pretty sure there are a lot more people than that who hate cancer, but the creator of this group is one of the few who succeeded in reaching his or her goal of one million.

A couple notches down the list is a group known as "I bet I can still find 1,000,000 people who dislike George Bush!" This one is only about 25,000 short of its goal. I'm pretty sure if the words "dislike George Bush" were changed more accurately to "hate dumbass," the million would have been realized in no time.

A few more spaces down the list are a pair of groups that seem to go hand-in-hand. "I Bet I Can Find 1,000,000 People Who Just Want Peace" and "1,000,000 Strong Against the Jonas Brothers" are a mere 7,000 members apart in their totals and it seems likely many of the members of both groups are the same people. Rid the world of that crap the Jonas Brothers pass off as music and we will be one giant leap closer to universal peace.

For those of you who give a crap about religion, the state of Christianity appears to be a bit shaky in Facebookland. Groups such as "I bet I can find 1,000,000 Christians," "Lets Find 1,000,000 Christians," "1,000,000 Christians Praying for President Obama" and simply "One Million Christians" don't add up to a million members combined. You Christians will be happy to know, however, that "1,000,000 Strong to Overturn Prop 8" hasn't even hit the 200,000 mark. Other anti-Prop 8 groups are even less successful. Praise the Lord! Marriage and divorce are once again saved!

But don't rest too easy my Jesus People. "Let's see if WE can get 1,000,000 Muslims yeahhh!!!" and "To prove that there are more than 1,000,000 people who Worship ALLAH!!!" combine for more than half-a-million members. See what happens when a terrorist gets elected president?

Also a bit disturbing is that the group "I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who dislike Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!" has slightly more than 80,000 members. That's fewer members than "I wonder how fast i can find 1,000,000 people that hate Tom Brady"! The Patriots quarterback is indeed a bit annoying, but unless he is developing nuclear weapons, I'll focus my hatred on the Iranian president.

And speaking of presidents, on the pro-Obama side "Barack Obama (One Million Strong for Barack)" is at over a million members while the anti-Obama group "Stop Barack Obama (One Million Strong and Growing)" is at about 260,000. How exactly the second group intends to stop him is not specified, but based on the mentality of some of the geniuses at the recent town hall meetings, it is frightening to think how far these nimrods might go.

"1,000,000 Against Government Run Healthcare" is currently at 114,000. Although I favor universal health care, I am not at all bothered by those who oppose it. This is America and even those I disagree with have the right to voice their opinions. Besides, we'll kill the bastards when the death panel is put into place. Sieg heil!

For those who really care about the issues, there is "1,000,000 For Obama To Grow An Afro!" Forget about health care, the economy, Iraq and Afghanistan. The people have spoken and they want the Sly Stone look!

One of my favorite group names is "one million people who think Heather Mills is a money grabbing whore!" At just 161,000 members, it is apparent not that many people agree. It seems most Facebook users feel Ms. Mills is not a money grabbing whore at all, but rather a reasonably priced whore. And damn it there's nothing wrong with that!

There are hundreds of other million-goal groups on Facebook, but my brain is beginning to turn to mush, so I'll close out with just one more.

The group "One Million Dicks" proudly boasts that it is "for all the people who have helped in the challenge to create a collection of 1 million drawn, sculpted, carved or painted Dicks." I am sad to tell you that as of this writing, there are but 29 members. Yes, we are still 999,971 dicks short. So I ask all of you Facebookers out there to get out the sketch pads, canvasses and clay and let's stop dickin' around!