Failure in Parenting Awards

Here's a stupid question: What do Jon & Kate Gosselin, Joe Jackson, Richard & Mayumi Heene, John Phillips, and Michael & Dina Lohan have in common? To say their parenting skills are less than stellar would be an understatement. Whether the terrible parenting is due to their celebrity or their celebrity to their terrible parenting, these folks have provided us with countless hours of water cooler chit-chat material coupled with a great sense of relief that we: A) are decent enough parents in comparison, or B) are smart enough to recognize we shouldn't procreate because we would be just as awful. But since they are famous, they are out of the running for my Failure in Parenting Awards (FIPA). Only regular folks who make regular money and live in regular places can be considered for the FIPAs. Candidates were awarded points in the areas of absolute irresponsibility, utter stupidity and lack of common sense. Bonus points were awarded for idiotic excuses and fabulous mug shots.

And the FIPAs go to:

Most Amnesiac Dad: Troy Lee Neel- A retired first-baseman for the Oakland A's, Mr. Neel left this residence in San Antonio, TX and was living it up in Vanuatu, a beautiful island in the Pacific. Maybe it was the excessive humidity, the scorching sun or the gorgeous women, but somehow Mr. Neel forgot to setup automatic payments to his ex-wife for the support of their two children. The tab? A whopping $724,325.

Most Over-Protecting Parents: Christopher and Vanessa Peterson, Las Vegas, NV. Picture this: you're home, minding your business when your 16-year old son walks in and informs you he's going to the park to fight with another kid. Any parent would probable put a stop to the situation; any parent not named Chris Peterson. Mr. Peterson channeled his inner Tony Soprano, got everyone in the car (including two younger daughters, 'cause you never know when you'll need extra backup) and drove down to the park so his pride and joy could beat the living crap out of the other kid. Except the other kid was stronger, and Chris Jr. found himself in a pickle. What's a dad to do? Mr. Peterson grabbed a crow bar and whacked the back of his son's opponent's head, leaving him unconscious. He proceeded to drive off, all family members in tow. How's that for protection?

Most Irresponsible or Fun, depending on your standards Dad: Joshua Fagan, of Fort Myers, FL. Mr. Fagan got a bit too Thankful on Thanksgiving 2008 and soon found himself too hammered to drive. Being a responsible citizen, unwilling to put at risk the lives of his neighbors, Fagan handed the keys of his truck TO HIS 9-YEAR OLD SON! Junior had a great time behind the wheel until a police officer spoiled the fun and arrested Fagan just 3 blocks away from his house. Maybe if the kid had gone faster...

Most Willing to Teach His Children the Value of Work: Theodore Hall, of Tampa, FL. I'm starting to see a trend here: hot weather=crazy parenting. Maybe not, but this dad really takes the cake! Mr. Hall had a very important delivery to make. Never one to miss a deadline, he strapped all his three children in their car seats and drove to the nearest Hooters, where he proceeded to deliver A PACKAGE OF CRACK COCAINE. He was arrested for child endangerment. No word on what the boss had to say the following Monday morning.

To end on a positive note, here is the special award to Success in No-Nonsense Parenting: Mr. and Mrs. Schallenberger, of Chesterfield, SC are living proof that there is still hope for our country. Responsible citizens they are, they called the police on his son Ryan after he received a delivery of 10 lbs of ammonium nitrate, an oxidizing agent in explosives. They had noticed there was something wrong with Ryan and were in the process of enrolling a professional to test his mental health. Maybe it was a case of great parenting instinct or perhaps the result of being actively involved in their child's life; either way, they later found Ryan's journal with specific details on his plans to blow up his school and kill himself. Lucky for everyone else in this southern town, these parents made no excuses for his sick son. Congrats!

Sources:

http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/crime/Feds_nab_worst_deadbeat_dad.html

http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2008/12/9yearold_makes_beer_run_for_da_1.html

http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2008/06/dad_takes_kids_on_his_crack_de.html

http://weirdnews.about.com/od/weirdphotos/ig/Mug-Shots--May-Aug-09-/Parents-Take-Crowbar-to-Fight.-7t6.htm

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/21/school.bomb.plot/index.html