"Fake America" Officially Secedes

The members of the so-called "Fake America" are hereby announcing their secession from the "Real America." That's right; every state from Maryland and Delaware up, the entire west coast, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Hawaii are all seceding. These are the states that voted for Kerry in 2004 and have been referred to as elitist.

In our first move as the United States of Fake America, we are annexing Northern Virginia, Las Vegas, Denver, Miami, New Orleans, Atlanta and Austin. As citizens of the world, we feel the citizens of these areas would be unjustly treated in Real America and will do whatever it takes to protect them. We are also extending an open-enrollment period for any "elitist" (i.e. educated) member of Real America to gain instant citizenship in Fake America.

Since we are Fake America, we are leaving Real America with all of the debt that has been accumulated by President Bush. Good luck trying to pay that off minus 100+ million people and not paying taxes, as you're so fond of. We'll see how long that lasts. We also take with us a healthy portion of the nation's top schools, but those were elitist to you anyway, weren't they? Fake America is now the home to the leading researchers in advances against biological warfare. Have fun with all that small pox you claim the terrorists have and want to release on us. We will be just fine having been vaccinated from everything. I believe your leader, President Bush, said that duct tape would help fight against a biological attack. Hmmm....

We would like to lay out a couple of things you may not lay claim to. For starters, the American Revolution is ours. Seeing as how only 3 of your states and 11 of ours were involved, it and all of its products (i.e. the Constitution) are ours. Come to think of it, the only part you liked about the Constitution was the Second Ammendment, so it's really no loss for you. Since we have taken the Revolution we are also taking the Founding Fathers, mainly George Washington and Thomas Jefferson; they were both promienent members of Northern Virginian. Abraham Lincoln was from Illinois, so he is ours. We also lay claim to Theodore Roosevelt (NY), his distant cousin Franklin D. Roosevelt (NY), and JFK (MA). Funnily enough, Ronald Reagan is also ours since he's from Illinois, but we'll let you have him. We are also willing to trade George W. Bush (CT) for Bill Clinton (AR). But don't think we are unreasonable and laying claim to all the famous Presidents. No, you have Warren G. Harding (OH), Herbert Hoover (IA), Gerald Ford (NE), LBJ (TX)...you know on second thought, you would do better to erase them from your collective history.

You do not get Pearl Harbor, since that happened in Hawaii. Since we have already laid claim to FDR, you don't get WW2. So you can now stop telling Western European countries that they would be "speaking German if it weren't for us". That is Fake America's history now. Nor do you get 9/11. The areas affected were New York City, Washington D.C. and a field in Pennsylvania. Yup, those are all ours. So we will continue the war in Afghanistan, but by all means, feel free to stay in Iraq. Just please realize that we are pulling all of our soldiers out and moving them to the real war.

Wow, it's starting to look like you don't have any history. Well, you always have the Alamo (so I've heard). You also have that great social experiment called slavery. So, we would like to grant you the rights to the American Civil War, seeing as how you were the ones who started it and still hold on dearly to that God-awful Stars and Bars flag. Consider it our parting gift.

Speaking of flags, the stars and stripes are ours. Betsey Ross made it and she was a resident of Philadelphia. We're not even going to take any of the stars representing your states away, just to rub it in.

Now, you guys are probably saying "Well who's gonna feed you??? We have all the farms!" Not true, most of our states have farms, plenty to feed our citizens. We also have a good portion of the coast line, so it'll be a surf 'n turf night every night!

Finally, you do not get Jesus. Jesus was a man who believed in helping those less fortunate, not judging others and a known associate of society's "undesireables". More importantly, he was a Jew. And we all know how much you hate them. You do, however, get Jerry Falwell and all of the crazy Christian extremists like him.

We would like to wish you all the luck in the world on your future endeavors (Iran, South Korea, and whoever else you manage to piss off with your Real American exceptionalism) We would say we'll keep in touch, but we know we won't. You'll just think that we're rubbing it in your faces how much better off we are without you in spite of how pitiful you're doing. Seriously though, good luck having Wasilla as your Wall Street and Salt Lake City as your fashion capital.

Signed,

The Fake United States of America

P.S. In the 10 to 20 years it takes you to realize that you need us as to survive, we'll be too busy laughing our asses off at your failed excuse of economic and social policies. The whole abstinence-only sex ed is really cute, especially when you have three pregnant, unwed teenagers in a class of ten. We'll see if we're in the mood to take you back.