Falling in Love: This May Be Real

The first time we saw each other was a warm April night last year. I had seen him over the course of months when I attended church. During that time period, I was on again off again with my church attendance. On this particular night, one of the young ministers was speaking and the 'collegiate' choir sang so it made sense for him to be there. Ironically, I don't think my friend, Tammy, and I had ever stayed for the evening service so our presence was a little less expected. We were standing outside talking, lingering if you will. They were all going to the home of one of the girls who lived nearby. Tammy and I had an hour drive back to my apartment.

The group was laughing and joking about purchasing alcohol, which of course no one was going to do on a Sunday night after getting out of service. During this conversation, we made eye contact, he and I did. I've read about time seeming to stop, but I had never experienced it. When I looked into his eyes, he drew me in to him. I couldn't quite shake the feeling. I wanted to stay and be near him, but I wasn't driving, and we had to get back to reality. There was something about his eyes. They were wise beyond his years, and when he looked into my eyes he saw me beyond just physical appearance.

We finally broke away from that trance, and the conversation moved on. Tammy and I left, and the group did whatever they always do. I stopped coming to church for about eight months. In Christian circles, that's known as running from your calling. I didn't return until November. By then, I was broken and sorrowful. He was still there, but he was sick. I didn't know the nature of his illness when I initially returned. I just knew he was incredibly attractive, and I wondered about him.

Our contact was slight early on. My pastor spoke of me frequently, and the more I attended, the more people got to know me. I started playing trombone again with the band. I was glad to be back home. My pastor started a campaign for my husband, which has been ongoing. The next time I truly was able to interact with him was the single's retreat, and since then there have been interactions here and there. His parents hosted a Super Bowl party that I attended.

He's the guy that everyone seems to have a crush on. An older friend of mine advised me to let him come to me and not get lumped into the group of single women seeking husbands, so I didn't do that. I just did my thing, found a niche and moved in that circle, which meant I seldom hung (hang) out with the crew (which is my name for the single sisters seeking). He started teasing me sometime shortly after the singles retreat I suppose partially because of my lack of involvement with the crew and also because the most conversation he could get out of me was hello (if that).

I believe the teasing sparked from a conversation at the single's retreat about hyphenating last names and whether husbands would allow it. I, for my part, could not understand how a husband had a say in what my name was after we were married. I opined that whether I took his name, hyphenated my maiden name and his name or kept my maiden name, it was really none of his business because it was after all my name. Needless to say, in a room full of conservatives and conservative wannabes, my opinion didn't go over well. He later referred to be as being headstrong, difficult or something along those lines so started the teasing for my attention.

A Friday night after service two months ago, he came into the conference room where the ministers and their families were having dinner. Tammy happened to be down this Friday for the event. He came in the room, and I refused to look at him. I turned away to avoid eye contact. He stood in the middle of the room and repeated "I know you see me" several times. I continued not to look at him, but couldn't hide my smile. I finally turned and to face him and his response was something along the lines of "thought so". He discovered that night that the easiest way to force me into a conversation was through argument (I'm an attorney what can I say?).

About a month ago, the church took a trip to an amusement park, and I got to spend an entire day with him. It was such a perfect day. He started off with teasing me, but after I hit him with a sharp barb, our conversation transitioned to civilized, standard 'get to know you' talk for the 2- 3 hours it took for us to get to the park. Once there, after I was asked whether I would ride any roller coasters, he announced not only was I riding them all, but I was riding them with him, which of course, I readily did. Spending time with him is so natural to me. I've never felt like this before.

I realized what made him different from the other guys I've dated and liked over the years--the way he touches me. He touches me with respect like I've special, valued, precious. He doesn't touch me like I'm just something for sex. There's more than sex in his touch. There's safety and acceptance and love? I don't know how he feels about me, but I know how I feel. I'd do anything I could for him.

He's in the hospital now recovering. No one's talking about how he is. They don't want people to come visit or send anything. I just want him to know that I hope he is doing well, that I'm thinking about him, praying for him. There's no reason for me to be treated differently. We weren't in a relationship. I don't even know if he thinks of me like that, but I want him to know I'm thinking of him. I want him to get better. I want the chance to get to know him more. I want the chance for him to know me.