False Memory Therapy Nearly Ruined Her Life

Thirty years later and the scars are still fresh

Sue endured years of therapy at the hands of an unscrupulous therapist and the damage it caused has taken years to repair.

Sue's parents wanted what was best for their young daughter and when she wasn't bouncing out of her depression they decided to seek out the services of a therapist. Which in most cases would have been a wise decision, however, in this case it proved to be devastating.

Sue says, "I began attending therapy sessions and after a few months, I was at a place where I finally felt comfortable enough to share a secret that I had been keeping to myself for several years. I told my therapist that my brother had been molesting me. To my surprise, it fell on deaf ears. My therapist had already come to his own conclusion; he told me that my father was molesting me?"

"What????", I said. "Well, your brother had to have learned it from someone and that someone must have been your father". "I was baffled, the more times that I rebuttal his accusation the more he repeated it." Finally, he said, "Do you want to get this behind you or not?" He went on to say, "How can I help you if you won't even admit that your father has been molesting you?"

"During every session he probed and made suggestions and even used hypnoses a time or two on me. I just couldn't remember my father ever molesting me, finally the therapist told me that I was avoiding the truth and that I had blocked out this memory because I couldn't face it. He would say that not remembering, denying that it happened and feeling like the abuse was a dream was actually a sign that the abuse "did" happened, and it was my subconscious that was trying to suppress the memory."

"Mind you now, I was going to see him two to three times a week, often with additional phone calls in between sessions."

"If I denied that any abuse happened with my father, I was told that he couldn't help me until I admitted the abuse. I found myself actually making up things about my father and when I did this he was actually very supportive and would tell me that I was on my way to recovery. I quickly learned that the more negative things that I could find to say about my father the more attention that I was getting and the prouder my therapist was of me."

"Even though my therapist was very excited about my 'progress', inside I felt awful and the depression was overwhelming, that is when I started burning myself, I was hospitalized three separate times. I also became bulimic. I was told that these symptoms were proof that I had been sexually abused-and more."

"Needless to say, I wasn't getting any better but I had become an addict to therapy, I needed the approval of my therapist and I could not imagine my life without him. I had grown so dependent upon him that I choose to attend a local college just so that I could stay in therapy. I didn't trust my own ideas, thoughts or opinions any longer, I needed his approval and I even arranged my class schedule, so that it wouldn't interfere with my therapy."

"I was told that I needed to confront my father about the abuse and at every session, I was asked if I had confronted him yet?"

"I was afraid of what his answer might be, because at this point I was actually confused. What if it was true and what if my father's answer ended up saying, yes, I did sexually molest you. I would have been horrified that it had been true and my therapist had been right. But, what if my father said, No, I never did such a thing would that be the truth or would it be a natural response for someone to say if they were cornered, worse yet, what if my father became angered at the accusation because he didn't do it and I'd end up in big trouble? At this point in my therapy I was totally confused and it was actually easier just to believe my therapist from this point on."

"The recovered memory movement was in full swing. There were workshops where I could meet other women who had also been abused. I was invited to a local retreat at the (El Pomar) Center in town, where I would stay from Friday night to Sunday afternoon for next to nothing. I was attending workshops, meeting new people and everyone was so compassionate."

"People wanted to help-well-meaning people who wanted to help and encourage those who had been sexually abused. It seemed like there was unwritten contest going on; whoever had the worst abuse, got to talk the most, got the most attention, the hugs, and support. We were encouraged to scream, hit pillows, or do anything to get the anger out."

"We were told that before the memory is remembered, we might feel like it didn't happen that we were making it up. It may even feel like a dream. That was normal. But we had to push beyond those feelings. We needed to start talking about the abuse even if it felt like we were making it up (the memories had to come from somewhere, right?). The book "The Courage to Heal" became our bible. We carried it, quoted it, and wrote notes in the margins."

"Everyone I knew was in therapy. When we got together, we would quote our therapist. It was really exciting if our therapist was on vacation and we got to see the other person's therapist. And if someone was in the psychiatric hospital, it was like a party when we came to visit. We knew the staff and would often stay talking and playing board games until they it was lights out for the actually patients."

"Then the most tragic thing happened to me, my therapist abruptly stopped seeing me. I didn't think I could survive without him. I was also seeing a psychiatrist once a month for medications. I wanted him to take my therapist place and see me at least twice a week. Instead, he did something totally different. He didn't want to work on my past; a Pandora's Box is what he called it. He wanted me to work on living without therapy and therapists. I thought he was crazy."

"A few months later, he took a different job and left the state. I didn't think I could live without therapy, I felt like a toddler learning to walk-a little shaky and unsteady on my feet but soon I got the hang of it."

"Getting out of therapy was the start of my life. Therapy had been my crutch. Finally, I had stopped trying to believe the stories that I had been encouraged to create and I began realizing that there was no foundation to these stories of my father abusing me, I wanted to scream, "my father did not abuse me!" My father had already passed away and it was too late to apologize. My sister was the first person that I was able to go to and admit that my father had not sexually abused me-those years that my therapist was trying to impress upon me that I'd repressed all those memories was incorrect it was a lie."

"Now, nobody knew what to believe. My parents had initiated therapy for me to help me and now I was more confused than ever, but relieved to know that my father had not abused me and that I had not repressed it. But, I knew that my brother had abused me yet all along my therapist had thought that was no big deal. My self-esteem hit rock bottom I went on with my life but never dealt with truth of it all."

"Then when my mother was dying a few years ago, the hospice offered therapy. After seeing me for a few months and hearing of my troubles with my sister and brothers, she asked me why was I so afraid to stand up to them? Why did I let them take advantage of me?"

"I thought and thought about what she said when suddenly I realized that I have been feeling like I am less than they are. They treat me like that...and I let them. I put up with it and I let them treat me like a maid and doormat. I told the therapist about Steve molesting me and betrayed and victimized I felt."

That is when it dawned on Sue; she'd carried this sense of shame and hurt with her all these years. She'd been waiting for her brother to apologize to her and to admit his guilt. Growing up she had always hoped that one day her brother and sister would finally stand up for her and tell Steve how cruel that was. But, it wasn't until late in life that Sue finally realized that this was never going to happen. Instead it was time that she raised her head high and quit carrying these feelings of shame. Sue realized she needed to share her story to help others.

Foot note by Teila Tankersley

I've been a friend of Sue's for nearly three decades now and I've seen her slowly rebuild her life, I've watched as she triumphantly would take two steps forward but would relapse four steps backwards when her siblings would mock her or belittle her. Unfortunately those years in therapy robbed her of much of her life, yet I'm proud of her for moving forward.

During those critical young adult years Sue learned to rely too heavily on the advice and wisdom of her therapist and when he dropped her, she was distraught to say the least. She admits, "I didn't have a built in "healthy" copping mechanism, I felt so alone and so frightened." Although by then she was an adult, she felt very childlike inside.

After her therapy had abruptly ended, for the most part, Sue carried with her a false sense of security. She didn't know who to trust and what to believe anymore. She'd been taken advantage of first she'd been lead to believe that it was no big deal that her brother had molested her and her therapist had successfully convinced her that her biggest "problem" was that she'd blocked out the horrors that her father had inflicted upon her. Yet, the reality was that it had all been a lie. The truth was that her father had never abused her and had never molested her and that is the reason why she was unable to "remember". The therapist groomed her by setting up scenarios under hypnoses that she grew to "temporarily" believe might have actually happened. Unfortunately, Sue's father died before she could apologize and rebuild their relationship.

Another devastating effect that this all had on her was that when Sue finally told her siblings that the accusations against her father were based upon "false memories" they responded by distancing themselves from her emotionally. Now, left with no therapist, a father who had passed and siblings who were now distant, she turned all her emotions inside. Thankfully, her mother was there for her, which helped tremendously.

Sue said, "It was not easy trying to rebuild my life and trying to figure out who I was and how to move forward," but Sue has learned that she is a lot stronger than she thought she was. It has taken years for her to even get to the point that she is able to talk about this portion of her life.

Sadly, her mother passed away in 2008 and much of her childhood and teen years remain a blur yet she says, "those memories of my brother touching and fondling me and molesting me still are as real to me as ever," I suppose that is because that issue has never been properly addressed and maybe one day she will be able to get this behind her. Secretly I think all this could be fixed if her brother would admit what he has done and apologize and if her siblings would address the situation.

Sue's strength came when she was finally able to open up and be heard. Sue is very grateful that she had a mother who loved her unconditionally and a handful of friends that she could count on otherwise she would have never made it.

Now, thirty some years later, although the scars of a 'therapy gone wrong' are still there, they are slowing fading away. She is discovering a sense of well-being. She has stepped out of the silence and has refused to accept the blame. She has learned that by exposing the truth and sharing her story it is helping others.

Sue was a victim, first at the hand of her brother who molested her, than at the hands of false memory therapy, these issues were not her fault, she is slowly trying to accept that. It is not uncommon for a victim to feel that they are to blame.

There are thousands of top-notch therapists out there but there will always be small handfuls that are not. If you have been a victim of bad therapy, you should report this to the state licensing board.

Secondly, seek out another therapist and you shouldn't feel embarrassed and should not avoid further counseling. Remember you are in control and you can fire your therapist at any time if you feel it is not on the up and up.

Don't hesitate to seek therapy, but be wise and if you are asked to say anything but the truth than find another therapist.