Family Dynamics: The Fly in the Ointment

While struggling with the technical problem of trying to establish a blog, I went to a couple of Live Journal sites. One in particular caught my attention, because it was the site of a young woman who had recently experienced a problem in family dynamics, an unpleasant scene with her father. I had been so concerned with the lack of introductory support, with all most anything you want to do on the net, that her point of view really knocked me for a loop. Though I'm many years removed from these problems, they are certainly not unfamiliar. Accordingly, I wanted to suggest some patterns in family dynamics.

In my experience, mothers and daughters often voice similar complaints. They don't know how to react to expressions of maleness. They wish the men in their families were less irritable, abrasive, and impatient. Women find men difficult, mainly because men express themselves in ways that women would never consider. Often these expressions of maleness read, to the women in the family, as adolescent. Calling the behavior as it appears is usually counter-productive. Often women say the wrong thing, or nothing. As a result, men often find themselves marooned and isolated, and not welcome to partake in the emotional bounties that can exist within the family. If the female family members were to read the occasional outbursts as a form of crying, they might be more supportive, which in turn might have the power to reduce the number of outbursts.

One of the most boggling family experiences surrounds father-son battles. The father-son relationship can be very frightening to other family members, containing as it does, elements of competition, a battle of wills, and a peculiar fragility. Men and boys tend to break with frustration, to lose temper faster that their female counterparts. The impulse to volatility frightens children, and often causes them to blame themselves. Teenage girls, the put upon sisters, can imbue the incident with more melodrama that it probably deserves. Women are easily dismayed by what they perceive as lack of character. To women, this show of antipathy, acted out in the father-son battle, threatens the family structure and is totally inappropriate. Once again, this is a female interpretation of behavior. No one really understands these tortuous events, least of all the participants. For the men in the family, this battle may well be a way of refining the family structure. Soothing the male feathers usually won't be accomplished until after the disturbance.

The bond between father and daughter, though not as volatile, has its own particular characteristics. Therapist Melodie Mack stresses the importance of fathers being role models for their daughters. "Daughter's who have actively engaged fathers are also less likely to experience depression, become a teen mom, develop body image problems, use drugs/alcohol, or engage in criminal activity." Dr. Beverley Block states, "Daughters need to know that the first man in their life loved them unconditionally, as every man in her life thereafter will be patterned after her first love--good, bad, or indifferent. On occasion, male therapists will point out that a bad father daughter relationship is one where there is sexual abuse. In my view, that is an extremity that points to a knowledge deficit in that reasonable middle ground. And it doesn't begin to address the more enlightened territory explored by Ms. Mack and Ms. Block.

Trouble can easily bubble up between mothers and daughters, between sisters, or between sisters and brothers, but those particular relationships are not the usual hot spots. By hot spots I mean the sources of turmoil that offer residual pain and brooding, years after events have already taken their course. A proper discussion and acknowledgement of family difficulties wouldn't be complete without a few words about the daughter in law/mother in law relationship, which at its very worst can cleave the familial bonds, and isolate the couple, or the parent. From personal experience, I can tell you that the daughter in law/mother in law relationship is problematic, and that problems in this area are fairly common. There are probably a number of Freudian-driven reasons why two women cannot share the beloved, but knowing them doesn't always influence behavior. Resolution lies in the acceptance that there is difficulty, but that demands two adults who wish to agree. In any case, head shaking and a sense of humor can help.

For families experiencing extreme familial discord and strife, there are specifically trained therapists. For those unable to afford therapy, there is much to be said for confiding in an understanding adult, a friend, or pastor, who may be able to provide guidance, or at the least serve as a good listener. Moreover, it may be possible to locate a free clinic or socially supported, reduced payment individual or group setting. There's no reason to bear the burden alone. There is nothing new or foreign about family problems. Writers have found them an inexhaustible source for dramatic plots for eons, and the worse the situations, the more respect they have received in literature. Most normal people have experienced the familial melt down, with all its concomitant bewilderment and sorrow.

Sources:

http://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/dads/connection-between-father-and-son/menu-id-61/
http://www.healinghearts-families.com/http://Melodie
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/articles/father-daughter-relationships/