Family Estrangements and Mixed Marriages

Barbara LeBey, author of Family Estrangements, (Longstreet Press, 2001), devotes a chapter of her book to mixed marriages in their various forms. She says that these marriages are extremely complex arrangements and many families feel that it is their worst nightmare come true. They often feel betrayed, embarrassed and hurt and retaliate by rejecting the family member and his or her spouse.

What is a Mixed Marriage

Every family has expectations about who their children, siblings and other relatives will marry. While these expectations may not be obvious at first, dating a partner that is considered unsuitable will soon provoke a reaction. Here are some common situations that may be considered unacceptable:

• A person with different skin colour
• A person brought up in a different faith
• A person brought up in a different denomination
• A person of a different nationality
• A person who is infertile or has a short life expectancy

Typical Reactions to a Mixed Marriage

Family members normally display a whole range of reactions to a mixed marriage but these are some of the common ones:

• Intense anger
• Manipulation
• Hostility
• Emotional outbursts
• Guilt
• Bribery
• Alienation
• Reasoning and blackmail
• Grief

Why are Mixed Marriages and Gay Marriages an Issue

An unconventional marriage may cause the death of a families dreams. Barbara LeBey says the normal desire of parents is to see their children marry someone who looks like them, has similar values and upbringing and who will fit comfortably into the family network. A gay marriage or a marriage between a Jew and a Catholic can shatter these dreams instantly.

How Can Mixed Marriage Couples Cope With Unhappy Families

Mixed marriages often start on a difficult note. This may be due to lack of family support as much as working through their actual differences. While it is impossible to force family members to change their minds, the married couple can consistently show respect and love towards them in the hope of reconciliation. Even if the marriage is never accepted, it makes a huge difference if communication channels are kept open. Here are a few ways to do this:

• Remember birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and other important occasions
• Send photographs and letters
• Suggest meeting for coffee in a neutral venue
• Invite family members around for snacks
• Don't retaliate in anger
• The birth of a child often brings a heart change

While parents and other family members may never fully accept a mixed marriage, many soften over time and realize they would rather be on speaking terms with their loved one than lose them altogether. It is important for the person in the mixed marriage to keep the door open for relationships to be restored and healed.