Family Intergration: Step Children

The challenge of blending two families from previous marriages is a difficult one, frequently compounded by unrealistic expectations. One of the most common expectations is that stepparents should love their stepchildren as if they were their natural children. This is impossible in most cases and simply unnecessary. Familial love is rooted in biology, shared history and emotional bonding - realities that cannot be recreated on demand. Natural parents share a love bond with their children that cannot be duplicated by the willful effort of stepparents, no matter how well intentioned they are.

This is not to say that stepparents can't learn to love their stepchildren, but only that this love is different from the biologically based bond established between natural parents and their offspring. Your stepchildren should not be expected to feel as loving toward you as they do toward their natural parent. They need to know that they have the right and the freedom to love whoever they choose. As a parent, you have the same right. One of the most distressing problems for stepchildren is the issue of loyalty. They often feel pressured into showing more love toward certain adults than towards others in order to satisfy a parent or a stepparent. Stepparents often have loyalty problems of their own: they fear showing a preference for their own children. These loyalty and fairness expectations can create an atmosphere of tension, but this tension is both natural and okay, especially if it is accepted. It is not necessary to conjure up a warm, cozy feeling of affection for your new spouse's children. A more reasonable expectation is to treat your stepchildren with respect and consideration. When you try to fake affection you are being emotionally dishonest. This will only lead to more difficulties.

Mutual respect, however, goes a long way in advancing human relationships. You can develop a cooperative and respectful attitude toward your stepchild without expecting to feel love for them - and without demanding that they love you. Respect your stepchild and let love take care of itself. While these techniques are not intended to help every parent in every family, they can prove to be very useful. It is also important to note that despite the efforts of new stepparents, children may refuse to open up to them easily. These emotions can be caused by many external factors unknown to new parents. Seeking the advice of a professional counselor is always a good idea in this situation.