Famous Cats of the World

There's an old saying that goes, "behind every great man, there is a great woman." Well, not to be a chauvinist or anything, but that statement is entirely false. The correction should read that there is, in fact, a great cat behind every man and woman who has tasted the bittersweet herbs of fame and fortune. Now, I know that certain cats can become borderline retarded, what with all that "crashing into walls" and "playing with dead mice" being part of their schedule in old age. I'm also aware of certain cats that are treated like members of the family-like Socks, the infamous Clinton pet who single-handedly gave Billy Boy the number of a "smokin' hot chick who'd love to get with you." Ha ha! Well, I'm sure it was all in good fun.

Without further ado, let me introduce the most famous felines in the timeline of the Earth's history! (I apologize that didn't have enough time to gather the information on the cats of Saturn, as well.)

----We all are familiar with the story of The Black Cat by Edgar Allan Poe. But did you know that he actually had a kitten named Pluto that inspired the tale? Yep, and it has been said that on cold, dreary nights, you could almost hear Eddie having insane schizophrenic conversations with his cat. "No, I've told you a million times; I don't have anymore Fancy Feast!" Poe would holler. His neighbors would just shake their head in disbelief and continue on with their household chores.

----Jack Ruby's cat Bibby had the remarkable ability to morph into a small-caliber pistol.

-----Arnold Schwarzenegger once had a pet cat named Atlas when he was a small lad. However, Arnie's strength proved too great for the poor creature, and was accidentally crushed beneath the sheer kinetic power of Arnold's fingertips. After a bout of weeping and binge-eating of vanilla swirl ice cream, Arnold powered up to level nine-thousand and destroyed the small town with a Hadouken. Embracing the Dark Hado within, Arnold left the country of Austria forever and vowed never to return till he was strong enough to master Ansatsuken and conquer his inner demons.

----Davy Crockett's pet kitty Manny was often utilized as makeshift bathroom tissue when leaves were in short supply in the wilderness.

----Oscar Wilde's kitten was named Satan Lucifer, which delighted him to no end. He spoke many times about the reason for naming the feline such: "His name, being a pox on all that I can foresee as a holiday-in-waiting, brings me no limit to the fun I may have with my contemporaries. They swab their ears in disdain when I state that I shall summon Lucifer into our quarters-when in actuality, it is only my cat that crawls from the crevasse. It's a game I'll play for as long as am entertained by it."

----Bill Gates owns a cat named Phillip, which has a tendency to constantly crash into walls, lose its memory in a matter of days, and contract lethal viruses from nowhere in particular. His buddy Steve Jobs remarked that "even an apple has more brains than that stupid thing."

----George W. Bush has a cat named Barney, but obviously he is delusional with the fact that he still believes it is a dog.

----Keanu Reeves has the largest collection of cats to date, the total being over 400 varieties. "Every morning, I stack them like dominoes and watch them all fall down," he giggled.

----The boxer Mike Tyson owned a cat named Winky that he often sparred with on a weekly basis. Though ASPCA contacted him many times to investigate, they later dropped all charges when they found out that Winky's record was 18-1 against Tyson.

---- J.K. Rowling is actually a kitten. The woman you see at press releases is her handler, who has become rich on the talent of her small companion. "These books mean nothing to me," Rowling said, her mouth muffled with tunafish. "I don't care about you snotnosed kids. And I don't care if you spoil the fact that I'm a cat, either. Hey, here's a spoiler for you: Hermione dies. Chew on that, dorks."

----Stephen King's cat Funcakes has reportedly killed eleven children over the course of five years. When the police came to investigate, King gave the officers a piercing gaze and caused their heads to explode. Afterwards, he cooked their remains in a pot and fed it to his living Mercedes-Benz.

----Shigeru Miyamoto's pet cats are named Catface and Humpface. When asked about the choice of names, Miyamoto responded that he "didn't want to name them something predictable like Mario and Luigi."

----Al Gore's kitten Mary-Jane made a bet with him about a decade ago. Gore lost the bet, and is now forced to make stupid speeches about why the world is going to end.

----Contrary to popular belief, Napoleon's Grand Army was not comprised of men-but of kittens; each armed to the teeth with muskets and pink booties.

----Moses didn't break the stone tablets on purpose; he actually tripped over Aaron's cat Elias while descending from Mt. Sinai.

----Uwe Boll takes all major film advice from his cat, Mr. Tickles.

----Orson Welles used to love throwing his voice to make it appear as though his cat, Mindy, was talking in a very strong baritone. However, this parlor trick proved to be so annoying that Harrison Ford shot Welles and his "talking" cat. The final act being the path to true evil, Ford succumbed to a symbiotic force and became Venom-anger incarnate. Later on, he was defeated by Mark Hamill and a sonic gun created by George Lucas.

----I know that most of you are sure that some sort of supergenius cat is behind all of Paris Hilton's pitfalls. Well, I'm sorry; all of her mishaps are her own. She trancends modern stupidity and beyond. No cat could possibly anticipate what she has been through.

----Gargamel's pet cat Azrael was a cartoon cat that did nothing important in particular. However, the Smurfs episode where Azrael dons a clown mask and eats Brainy Smurf proved to be the impetus for John Wayne Gacy's murderous spree.

----John Wayne Gacy's murderous spree was the inspiration for Pluto the cat to assassinate his owner, Edgar Allan Poe.

Well, that about wraps things up for this history lesson. I'd like to write more, but my cat has a knife to my throat, so....I'm off to buy some Meow Mix.

....For the love of God, please send help!