Farewell, Feelings and Emotions

"I want to never feel anything again. I want to live a life without any feelings," I shouted at the top of my lungs. It was nice to get that off my chest. My life was nothing but an emotional bottomless pit. That's completely done with starting now.

Want to know why I decided to become a human robot? Well, life kicked my sorry behind into next week and figured it was time to kick back. Time to burn those old bridges that kept me tied to past deceptions and traumatic experiences. Goodbye to them and hello to the new zombie version of myself starting from the beginning. This transformation had been years in the making.

I had a supervisor at my old job who believed that feelings and emotions were overrated. Both things had no place in a business oriented environment and ruined the creative flow of everyone involved. He argued that all matters of the heart or someone's violent temper stayed in the parking lot to be picked up once you clocked out.

I actually disagreed with him completely at the time because I believed passion made everything interesting. I know better now, because feelings and emotions ruined my life. I allowed passionate dreaming to guide me into a life of empty longing. Longing to be a great success story in relationships and in my career. The only payoff I earned so far was more saccharine dreams that deflated upon impact. The ultimate joke of perfectly coated romantic fantasies was the fact that perfect never existed. Perfection was just a damn myth meant to make little girls play fairy princess a little longer. Those girls should have focused on growing up in a world where Prince Charming treated them like dirt instead of royalty. Prince Charming was a ruse, because I only found pretenders in disguise.

And me? I'm the biggest pretender of all with an ego the size of Texas and a gas guzzling attitude to boot. No wonder there were no princes around because I scared them away with my award winning personality. Little Ms. Perfect, yeah right. I never was and never will be. I have accepted my fate as a hapless loser forced to be within arm's length of everything worth dreaming about. Do you think giving up was easy for me? Seriously? There were times I felt like poking my eyes out with the nearest sharp object.

The latest attempt to stab myself came at my parent's anniversary dinner last week. Fifty years of happiness and three kids to complement those years. Well, two overachievers and one daughter buried under misery's rock. My older sister Cindy always loved to copy mom's homemaking skills with her own cookie cutter family. My younger brother Cliff was a responsible minister leading his congregation to religious rightness.

Where the hell do I fit into this picture? My honorable bones were left out of genetic make up completely. My parents must have realized that when I was born. That's why they did not name me with a "C" at the start. They knew I was a disaster in the making. My brother and sister pointed out my flaws almost every time I visited. They have taken turns to make me feel worse and this last time was Cliff's turn.

My brother asked me, "Janey, what do you want to do with your life?"

I responded with a wry smile, "I'd rather drink bleach then sit here listening to same speech you've given me for the past three years, Cliff."

"Well, you're going to keep hearing it until you do something about it," Cliff laughed as he prattled on about life's limitless possibilities. Instead, I wondered what scent of Clorox tasted the best.

I allowed him to continue before he left me alone in the living room to observe my failings. Cindy played lovingly with her three children and Cliff danced with his wife as my father played the piano. I wanted to create my own family like theirs, but I cannot find anyone willing to be with me longer than a week. I tried to be what the guys wanted me to be and they always dumped me for a prettier model.

My mother followed me outside to the porch and sat next to me on the swing. "Honey, what's the matter? You seem sad."

"Yes, mom, I am," I confessed with a hint of melancholy. "I'm jealous of Cliff and Cindy. Both of them have perfect lives and I'm lonely."

"Honey, if you're lonely change it and meet some new people. Try new things to challenge yourself. You might surprise yourself and knock someone else flat on their butt," She smiled as she whispered in my ear. "Maybe a hot guy to get you laid and loosen you up."

"Mom, you are so bad."

"Don't I know it. That's what drew your father to me," She laughed hysterically.

"So, that's your secret to keeping him interested."

"And in line I might add. He never stepped out on me once. If he did, he'd..."

"Live to regret it," I completed her sentence and gave her a hug. "Happy anniversary, mom. I hope there will be many more of them."

"Me too. Now get inside and celebrate with us," She sternly instructed me. "Have some fun before jumping into anything long term. Okay, dear?"

"Okay, mom, I'll have some fun," I walked into the house with her and played a duet with my father on the piano. It was the most fun I had in a long time and I did not have to over think any of it. It was nice not to have a moment where intellect did not factor into any of it.

After that, I decided to ignore my old supervisor's advice and threw my personal rule book out the window. I became an impulsive person for once. It was nice to not care about the consequences. That's what life's about. Making mistakes and learning from them. Unless, you're masochistic and enjoy getting punished, which thankfully I'm not.

Time to greet the new adventurous version of me and hopefully I won't have to use another box of band aids to do so. Fingers crossed. If not, who cares. Forget breakfast. Adventure's the most important part of my day. Screw feelings and emotions. This girl wants to have fun.