Fart Too Much? How to Cook Beans that Won't Make You Toot

Beans are great for you, as they are high in protein and low in fat, and contain many nutrients that can fill out a healthy diet. Purchased dry beans are cheap and plentiful. Their low fat content of 2-3 percent makes them a perfect food for people on a low-fat diet. Beans are a great filler for a meaty meal, and can stand alone in burritos or in tasty chilis. Beans are very high in fiber as well, which helps you maintain a healthy digestive system. Along with beans, lentils also supply many of the same nutritional effects.

However, beans have a major downside: they make you fart, big time. Dry beans, when improperly prepared, are bad enough, but I feel sorry for the poor souls who cannot prepare dry beans and have to suffer through the poorly cooked mass that fills many cans of pre-prepared beans, farting all the way.

Oh woe the terrible evenings spent in a dutch oven with your husband (or wife) waking you up with loud and joyous gaseous eruptions. It is of little comfort that these gaseous blowouts are the sign of a healthy and functioning digestive system.

Fret not, there is a cure, or at least a treatment that will help tone down the flatulence. This technique works for pinto beans, great northern beans, black beans, navy beans, mayocoba beans, or whatever you would like to use.

Raffinose sugars: A Catalyst for Gas

Raffinose is a complex sugar that is the main cause of flatulence in beans. In their purest form, beans contain large amounts of this sugar which helps create a fart, and though it affects some people more than others, the result of consuming this sugar is fermentation in the digestive system and eventually, mad crazy nasty gas. The kind that may make your love withhold Valentine's Day sex.

To prepare beans that are gas free, first you must stop buying canned beans. Canned beans are cooked in the can, in all of their Raffinosed glory, trapping all of the offending sugar in the can for you to consume, and later, project. To avoid eating these sugars, you must take advantage of the fact that sugar is water soluble, and, that's right. Soak it out.

For best anti-flatulence results, it's best to put your beans in a pot and cover them with water overnight, letting them soak with the top on. However, if you're impatient or simply poorly prepared, you can do a quick soak on beans that will remove sugar almost as effectively as an overnight soak.

Simply put: Soak 'em!

To do an overnight soak, place the beans in a pot, cover them with water, and bring the pot to a rolling boil. Let the pot boil for two minutes, then turn the heat off. Put a top on the beans and let them soak for at least an hour. After they have soaked, you should notice a frothy substance floating on top of the water. This is, among other things, that raffinose sugar of which we are trying to rid ourselves.

After the pot has soaked for an hour, dump the water out of the pot. You can use a colander if it makes it easier to keep the beans from going into the sink. Pick out anything foreign you see, any twigs or nasty looking beans should be removed. Nasty looking beans can often have nasty things which will also give you bad gas. Rinse the remaining beans.

To cook the beans, put them back in the pot and cover them with water. You should notice that the beans have swelled considerably. Leave about two inches of water above the standing level of beans. Don't add salt until the beans are done cooking. Now, depending on what you have available to you, you can cook the beans in a few different ways:

Slow Cooker.

This method is, as it sounds, slow. A slow cooker will give you nice and tender beans, but it will take about six hours.

On the Stove.

Depending on whether you have a gas or electric stove, it is sometimes difficult to properly maintain even heat for the beans. This is not my favorite way to cook beans, but it works, and it's quicker than slow cooking. It should take about 4 hours for the soaked beans to become edible.

My favorite: In the Oven!

My favorite way to cook beans is in the oven. This is because it heats the house, and it doesn't involve an open flame on top of the stove. You can cook your newly soaked beans in the oven at about 250-300 degrees, and it should take about four hours. You can tell your beans are done if you taste them and they have the texture you like. After this is done, you may add salt to taste.

One last note: eating undercooked beans can also give you gas because they suck water out of your digestive system, so make sure your beans are totally cooked.

I apologize if this article was an extended fart joke, but have fun eating great while you save money and keep your bed partner happy.