Fashion Police at the Beijing Olympics

Move over, Secret Police. There's a new Sheriff in town: the Chinese Fashion Cop. Communist China expanded their governmental control via the Office of Capital Spiritual Civilization Construction Commission. A mouthful to say the least. Chinese officials distributed rulebooks to over 4 million Beijing households. Citizens are instructed on what to wear, how to stand, and how to interact with others. How about a Red Olympic medal for the top Commie? A sure win for China.

Rules on spitting have been in the Beijing rulebook since 2006 and reiterated in the updated Olympic-era version. Apparently, the Chinese proclivity to hawk up a good one encouraged the emphasis on the rule, in addition to the installation of new spittoons around Beijing. Before you judge the Chinese residents to harshly about such habits, take another look at that pollution cloud hanging over Beijing, after that view one can understand launching an Olympic size loogie that would make a javelin hurler proud.

A list of new rules by the Beijing Boogeymen:

You will not wear white socks with black shoes.
(Do we really need communism to teach us that? Come on people)

You will not wear your pajamas out of doors.
(Another Chinese proclivity among the elderly and Western teens)

You will not wear more than three colors at a time.
(Guess I can't have my family reunion in Beijing)
(What if you can't find a pollution mask that matches your outfit?)

You will stand with your hands clasped behind the back or folded in front of you.
(Parade Rest!)

You will stand with feet slightly apart, in the V or Y position, when wearing skirts.
(Ladies, men, or both? I know Iran wouldn't have to specify)

You older women will wear skirts that fall at least 3 centimeters below the knee.
(No baggy knees please)

You will not engage in Public Displays of Affection (PDA).
(No tonsil hockey during the Olympics)

You will not shake hands for more than three seconds.
(There should be a law against the Wet Fish handshake. You know the one; the cold wet clammy limp-wrist shake... ewww)

How about shaking anything else? As the famous stall graffiti claims, "No matter how much you shake, no matter how much you dance, the last two drops land in your pants."

And of course, most guys know the rule about shaking it more than twice.

How did this article sink to such depths?

Perhaps, Chinese privy habits will prompt the creation of a new governmental agency; call it the Office of Member Manipulation Services.

Not to far fetched, as Chinese officials realized their bathrooms all contained squats and no toilet paper; makes you think about that three-second handshake rule doesn't it? Obviously, this set-up doesn't conform to Western comforts. Squats, almost begs the question if Chinese men go number one sitting down; no, it doesn't mean that at all.

The guys can still stand up, aim and fire into the hole in the floor, or bowl, or any other apparatus commonly utilized in a Chinese loo. The ladies will have a bit more of a challenge as they try to negotiate lifting skirts and undergarments in different directions to accommodate the required position. Western ladies that have utilized gas room (no pun intended) restrooms are already ahead of the game.

If such antics become a new Olympic sport, remember you heard it hear first. I don't know, perhaps we can call it Streaming?

Let the games begin!