Father's Day Greeting Card Messages

Hello everyone! Father's Day is just around the corner. (Actually, it's two months away. Mother's Day is coming first, so don't forget about that. How embarrassing that would be!) These are some ideas I came up with if you're planning on creating your own Father's Day card this year due to the economy. I've included what should be printed on the front of the card (before the semicolons) and what should be written when dear old Dad opens it up (after the semicolons.)

To My Daddy on Father's Day: Thanks for not taking me over state lines right after I was born and selling me on the black market to support your crack habit and telling Mom you "had to do it now" because my "eyes were still blue."

For Poppa: Thanks for never humiliating me in front of my friends while prancing around in your Star Trek costume.

Dear Daddy: I love you for never telling me Fido went to go live on a farm with a nice family when in actuality you took him out back and shot him because he wouldn't stop chewing on your rose bush.

For My Father: I just wanted to say thanks for never managing my singing career and talking me into doing a reality show with my husband.

To The Best Dad in The World: Thanks for never making it known around school that I was the kid whose dad was doing it with the school nurse.

You're The Best Dad Ever!: Thanks for never constantly taking me in and out of the Will for simply disagreeing with your way of life.

I'm So Lucky You're My Dad: Because I'm pretty sure you're the kind of father who wouldn't kick me out of the house if I ever came out of the closet.

To The Best Daddy This Side of the Mississippi: Thanks for never joining a religious cult and forcing me to marry my cousin at the age of 12.

Dad, You're the Greatest: Thanks for not freaking out about my Hustler™ centerfold.

I Don't Know What I Would Do Without You, Dad: Thanks for helping me hide a body if I ever needed you to.

If you liked these, you might enjoy the postcard book entitled Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals

And while you're at it, could you pick me up a copy?

Footnote: None of these ideas were inspired by my own father, who is very swell and will be receiving a normal, store bought card this year.