Fears of a First Time Mother

My husband and I waited a few years into our marriage before we decided that we were ready to start a family. When I became pregnant with our first child, I was so excited. I was ready. I wanted to start the adventure that was motherhood, and all it had to offer.

Although it seemed as though the pregnancy went by so slowly, it was time to have the baby before I knew it. Once I was holding my new baby in my arms, the shock hit me that I was responsible for the baby and it was up to me and my husband from there on out.

As we left the hospital, I felt relieved to begin our new lives at home, and in fear of how it was all going to play out. My first fear was keeping the baby on a schedule. In the hospital they made me log when the baby ate, how much, and when it went to the bathroom. For the first two months of the babies life, I kept track of the pattern and even considered logging it all in my computer to keep it all straight.

I was frustrated. I felt as though I had failed because breastfeeding wasn't working. I couldn't make it work, it was uncomfortable and my milk didn't come in like it was supposed to. Being a career mom, I didn't know how long I could make it work, even if it did. After feeling like a failure, I decided to give in and start the baby on formula.

It seemed like at night the baby would cry, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make her stop. I would rock her, I would sing to her, hold her, pace back and forth and no matter what I did, she wouldn't stop. Me and my husband would take turns trying to settle her and eventually, after what seemed like hours she would tire herself out. I wondered how women could raise a baby on their own because my husband was my only sanity during her crying sessions.

The recovery from my c-section was slow and it seemed as though I was helpless in some ways since I couldn't carry the baby for long amounts of time. Every day around the same time, I would break down in tears feeling overwhelmed. Being an independent person, the aspect that my life had changed and was out of my control, was too much for me to handle. Being at home all day with the baby only seemed to make me focus on what had changed in my life. With my hormones racing, I placed a call almost everyday to my mom asking for advice and needing reassurance.

I'm happy to say after a few months everything came together. Slowly but surely, the way it was supposed to. I'm not going to say it was easy or is still without struggle, but we are finding ways to make it all work.

A year later, there are things that I take away from my experience as a first time mom that I would not worry about the next time around. I wouldn't worry about how much the baby was eating. I was so focused on a schedule of when and how much my baby was eating and if she was eating too much or too little. Knowing what I know now, I would feed the baby until she no longer drinks. I would jot down a few times to get a feel for the schedule, but not feel as though things have gone wrong if the baby needs to break away from the pattern here or there. Once I started feeding the baby until she quit eating I found that a lot of her crying went away. I thought I had a colic baby, when my baby was just hungry and needed food.

I originally thought I failed because I couldn't breastfeed, but I discovered that formula feeding was a great fit for my life. Sure I felt as though a bond may have been missed, but I still spent time with the baby feeding her, and even better, she didn't see me just as her food. She saw me as her mommy. She was so happy when I started feeding her formula because she could eat so much more than when I tried to breastfeed, and even better, anyone could feed her. It's a great thing to be able to have my husband feed the baby as I get dressed, or a relative feed her while we are away. Knowing that breastfeeding wasn't an option when I would go back to work, it really worked out the best way possible.

In a visit to my doctor, I realized that I had signs of postpartum depression which was causing my feelings of feeling overwhelmed. I knew my feelings and emotions didn't seem the way I had hoped I would handle motherhood, and with the help of my doctor I was prescribed a low dose of an anti-depressant that took care of my feelings and made me feel as though motherhood was a great new chapter in my life. My regret was that I waited to tell my doctor how I was feeling. It's ok and perfectly normal to feel sad after having a baby. Let your doctor help you so you can move past these feelings.

My last advice would be for new mommies to snuggle with their babies as much as possible. Now that my little one is now walking. She's becoming more and more independent and doesn't like to snuggle as much as she did when she was a little baby. Enjoy the moments that you look at your baby and are amazed in how you were able to create a miracle of life. You don't get these moments back.