Feeling like the Beast

It's hard to look in the mirror and feel truly unhappy with what you look like. We all have our days: bad hair day, lumpy-outfit day, homeless-looking day (my personal favorite), bad/no makeup day. But for some, that day turns into a few days. Those few days stretch into weeks, months, and often years. There are thousands of after-school specials preaching about the danger of eating disorders, and I don't intend on tacking myself on that never-ending list. My only intent is to, hopefully, open some eyes to the reality of eating disorders and body dysmorphia beyond what we hear most often from the media.

When you hear the term anorexia or bulimia, an image of a skeletal female is what most likely appears in your head. However, this is not always the case. In fact, a lot of people who struggle with their weight are considered healthy looking by the majority of our standards. During my first few weeks of college, I lost 15 pounds. This may not sound like much, but when you take into consideration just where that weight went and how I lost it the line quickly blurs. Because of my height, it was noticeable right away and I loved it. I wanted to lose more - you can never have too much of a good thing, right? What I fell into was a very self-deprecating and abusive relationship with myself that I knew was unhealthy. Feeling happiest when my stomach was growling, embracing the dizzy spells, restricting my diet to a few hundred calories per day. But I was convinced that I would know when to stop, and in my opinion when that time came and I let up - to a point, anyway. I looked sickly, and people were beginning to ask questions. It was best to stop, for the time being.

Not many people know that the majority of people with eating disorders never seek professional help. Especially those who fall into this "borderline" category; if you don't quite look like you're starving to death, then usually people don't give you a second glance or believe that you even need help. They may even think that you look great and praise you for it, which continues this awful cycle. It is the juxtaposition of the desire for beauty in this sort of problem that makes it so difficult to seek help. Thankfully, in time a lot of us are able to find our own balance between our weight and our anxiety. While this is a great thing, it has a negative tendency to bubble back to the surface now and again, considered a relapse at its worst. But another common misconception that gets thrown around in the media is that men and women with eating disorders always rationalize their feelings and truly believe that they are overweight. Again, not the case. Imagine knowing that your feelings are irrational, and not being able to change them no matter what you tell yourself? It's a pretty uncontrollable and helpless feeling. What is important to bear in mind is that these disorders are just as mental as they are physical. The thoughts are the most oppressing things in the world - you against yourself.

And now I find myself again at the gym late every night, putting in at least an hour and cursing myself for not doing more; obsessing over my calorie intake, beating myself up mentally over food. My struggle is, I'm sure, shared by countless other women and men of all ages who may see a bit of themselves in this article. Understanding the internal turmoil that takes place in the struggle for beauty is endless. It's simplest to explain in this way: as with anything, eating disorders fall on a spectrum. On one end of that spectrum are those who may overeat or simply not be concerned about their food intake. Slide to the right a bit, and you have those who will have 2 or 3 helpings at mealtime, but know when their limit has been reached. In the center, the group who balances their meals and may even get some exercise from time to time. Pushing past the center are the healthy gang - regular exercise and watch what they eat a bit more closely than their peers. Near the right end is where this forgotten group falls - it goes beyond health and rather, to the point of unhealthy, finally at the very end.

These sorts of problems come in all shapes and sizes, in all sexes, races and ages. Recognizing that there is more to the subject of eating disorders than the polar opposites of anorexia or obesity is an important first step in trying to understand these diseases, and the people who suffer from them.