Feeling like the World's Worst Parent? Finding Perspective

"You have made me super sad : ( " - Every once in a while, my husband and I get this note or something similar from our son flying into our room written on a paper airplane. Sometimes it also says "I am never speaking to you again" or "I am never going to forgive you". Sometimes the frowny face has tears on it. It is usually in response to having something taken away from him, losing an argument with his dad or with me, or something equally earth shattering to his seven year old self.

On the surface, we know he's upset and we know it's good that he shares his feelings. But somehow, looking at an accusation from my child that I am responsible for making him sad tears at me and convinces me that I am the Worst Parent Ever.

So how do parents deal with feeling they have failed their children and that they are falling down on the career path to Perfect Parenting? It isn't easy, but my husband and I have found a few methods that work for us.

Consider the source. When your child shouts "I hate you!" or like my son, sends the messages we have dubbed "the why we're sucky parents notes" you can step back and consider where the anger and frustration is coming from. Your child is hurt or angry and they don't have the capacity to control their emotions like an adult. They lash out and say the first thing that comes to their mind. The good news? Unlike an adult, they don't really mean that they hate you or that they will never forgive you. And also unlike an adult, the feelings will soon pass and you will have your happy child back again.

Seek out the positive. What is the positive to the "I hate yous" and the "I'm sads"? Your child is expressing his or her feelings with someone he or she loves and trusts. It rips out my heart when my son tells me how sad I have made him, but I know I would rather deal with my own feelings of inadequacy than have him shut his feelings away and hide them from me. When your child expresses how they feel, you have a great starting point to discuss their feelings and explore the behavior on both sides that led up to it. Years from now when our son is a teenager, I hope that the foundation we've established for talking out his feelings will at least slightly minimize the withdrawal stage.

Find the humor. At times, my first reaction to our son's notes is anger and frustration. This is almost always followed by sadness. But the more I look at his missive, the funnier it can be. Looking down at the precise little lower case letters he has been working on in school and feeling the incredible drama behind his statements reminds me that too soon he will be a surly teenager and then a young college man and eventually a husband and father himself. I think of keeping the notes to give him later and I know the laughs we will share together as we remember his youthful angst.

Generate a resolution. Use the situation to resolve whatever made it happen. Instead of feeling bad yourself and letting the problem spiral, push past your own feelings and give your child a hug. Make them laugh. Listen to them. This can be the hardest part sometimes, but a cuddly and happy child goes further to make you feel like a great parent than anything else in the world.

My husband and I are far from Perfect Parents. We love our son unconditionally and have to hope that this will make up for the countless mistakes we have made and will no doubt continue to make. But keeping in mind some of the tips listed above can oftentimes keep our minds on what it means to be a good parent and away from the feeling that we are failing.