Fermented Mares Milk Tops List of Least Thirst Quenching Beverages

CIDER MILL FARM, NH - A recent poll by the North American Beverage Association has named Koumiss, or traditional fermented mares milk, as the "least thirst quenching of all potable beverages" according to NABA spokeswoman Donna Sprite.

"Koumiss, a mildly alcoholic, fermented mare's milk beverage consumed by Asian tribes is number one for obvious esthetic reason. Try to imagine fizzy sour horse teat milk with a kick. Following closely, and in the same category, are flavored and sweetened yogurt beverages, while tasty and nutritious, can hardly be considered cooling or quenching, and are more akin to a foodstuff than a beverage, and last, but not least, Kvass, the traditional rye bread derived drink of Russia, while similar to dark beer in some respects, and considered quite tasty by many, also flunks the quench test due to a sweetish sour aftertaste, and an all consuming need to drink more and more in a futile attempt to cleanse the tongue and quench an ever encroaching, burning thirst.

Sprite cracked a can of Diet 7-Up and quaffed quizzickly

"Asian beverages were also high on the list, notably mango puree carbonated drinks, guava juice, and 'liquid breakfast cereals' made from sweetened soy and wheat, all of which leave a variety of strange and alarming after tastes, notably soapy syrupy. Many popular American drinks scored badly as well, such as prune juice, tomato juice, Red Bull, grape soda, chocolate flavored kids drinks such as Yoo-Hoo, and heavy, dark malted beers. While occupying a wide niche in the beverage market, and crossing the line into liquid food, these drinks hardly can be considered refreshing."

Topping prehistorical beverages was ancient Mayan Xocoatl, the forerunner of chocolate milk, a dreadful, unsweetned mix of water, ground cocao, chile peppers, cornmeal and spices.

Conversely, the most refreshing beverages evaluated include diet colas and lemon-lime soft drinks, iced tea, 'light', or low malt sugar beers, and good old plain bottled water.

Sprite cautioned that individual tastes, as well as beverage quality can vary, citing "It is of interest to note that the lower the nutritional and caloric value of a beverage, the higher the quenching factor, and there's certainly good Koumiss and bad Koumiss, I suppose. My observation is, if you're really, really thirsty just drink plain cold water, and beware of heavily advertised, high priced sports drinks, which in spite of being touted as electrolyte balancing, icebergs in a bottle, can often taste like a crappy melted green popsicle instead."