Fertilizer - a Short Story

"Look around you for, one day, nature will reclaim it all. There is nothing that is built that it cannot take whenever it wants. That includes you, my love. You are a wonder of nature but when it wants you, it will take you. Now some people, like myself, like to contribute back to nature whenever we can. Replenish the land so to speak. Your death will give life to a million different things. Well, maybe not give life because they will mostly be feeding on you - plants, worms, maggots, microscoptic organisms, rats, you know what I am talking about. No, no don't cry. Think of all the good you will be doing. You know what I can't get over? The smell. Otherwise I'd probably keep you in the house for a coupla days. But that rotting smell is awful; really hard to get out of the sheets. Learned that the hard way. So, basically, I leave ya'll in the compost heap right here next my barn. Ever since I been doing this the tomatoes come out alot better and sooner, too. I usually can get two or three extra harvests this way. Have make sure the bigger animals do get you but other than that it's pretty easy - just let you rot under the pile. I tried burning for awhile, you know using the ash and all, but again the smell was just something I couldn't get used to. So, now I just leave ya'll out here for a coupla of weeks and everything is good. Very good."

Holy crap! This woman is really gonna kill me. For fertilizer no less. Shit. Shit. Shit. I really hope Joan got my text. Slow down think. I think I sent it about 1/2 an hour ago. Which means she should be here any second. This lady is gonna kill me any second. I don't know what the hell she is waiting for. Just a coupla more minutes. Hurry, please Joan.

What the hell was he doing out here? There's nothing out here! Where is that farm? I can't freakin' find it! Oh, sweet Jesus don't let me be too late! Where the hell is it?

"Now see, I going to use this chainsaw to cut you into bits but I got to get the blood out of you first otherwise I create a big mess. Learn that the hard way too. So, the horse will pull the rope tied around your ankles and then that pulley will lift you into the air upside down. Then I slit your throat so all the blood will come out, just like a pig. I always like to tell ya'll what's gonna happen, so you know what to expect and all. Trust me, it's a pretty painless way to go or so I hear. It'll just be a minute while I 'round up the horse."

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! Joan, Joan, Joan where are you?! I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die!

There it is! Ok, calm, calm. Gun is loaded right? Right. One in the chamber right? Right. Oh, crap I really don't want to kill someone! Should I park here and run up so she can't here me? Nope, there may not be enough time. Crap. She saw the car. But she is not running. She's riding up to the car with a smile. She must think I am lost or something. I hope. I hope she didn't see his text. I can't see her left hand. Look for a gun. I hope she can't mine. Please let Don be alright. I hope she hasn't killed him yet.

"Hey, honey. What can I do for you?"

Here goes!

"You can tell me where the hell you have my partner! You better pray to god you haven't killed him yet!"

"My, that's a pretty big gun you got there. Who's your partner?"

"Detective Don Grimm! Where is he?"

"Oh, him. He's over there just outside the barn. You got here just in time; I was getting ready to compost him."

"What?"

"Yeah, it's real good for the crops especially the tomatoes."

"Get off the horse now!"

"Ok, you don't have to yell, sweetie, I am right here."

"Keep your hands where I can see them or I swear let one go right into your eye!"

"That would not be good. That might even kill me."

"That would be the plan. Now on the ground! Face first, hands behind your back!"

"Ow. Sweetie, you're putting those cuffs on too tight."

"I don't give a damn." Where are the officers? I have to find him. I hope he really is alive. If he is he's gonna have explaining to do about why he came out here alone. I'll kill him. Here they come. 'Bout time.

"Arrest her for murder."

"Her, the little old lady?"

"Yeah her, officer. I'll see you at the station. Wait. Stay here until I find Don."

Here she comes! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! I'm gonna...Joan! Thank god!

"Don, what the hell!"